Sherut (Service in Hebrew)

The next time you here from me it will be a New Year! 

I have spent the last week truly reflecting on me, myself, and I. As I have Amy Winehouse's album and Anne Frank's Diary by my side I embrace my gift of speaking as these two soul's candles went out way before there time. Words lost need found, fantasies need foundation, and sex needs sacred space. 

So.....I spent the last couple days cleaning and reorganizing my home. Two and half years ago my first night here I slept in my closet on clothes for a bed and clothes for my sheets. Today I decorated the bedroom like I live here or something. My ability to trust is a test everyday and as I laugh that it took over two years to use a bedroom I also cry.

I have no New Years resolution, I have my purpose and my words. We shall see what comes anew. I hope you all see your beauty in a world that brags about bullshit. #eved is keeping it real and I hope next year we celebrate more than cry! 

Dragon’s in the dynamics of #slavelife is no fairy tale. I at one point had an extensive collection of pewter dragons in my living room. I was in my twenties at the time, but seriously they were everywhere, and yes they had a mystical leader - perfectly placed and dusted monthly. As with anything we shelve and reminisce over, they are gone, a simple memory and a sigh is what I have left… 

As I posed the thought to you all last week my dreams have come true - I am a little lost with what to do - and I will be damned if I shelve the Man I call Master and only dust Him off to one day find Him gone or is it me I need to not shelve and forget? It is simple to look at Sir and focus on Him in the negative; meaning I make Him happy and getting hyper focused on that over becoming stronger as a slave is the opposite of what He and I would want - but let’s be real it is way easier to do!

So how do I train my inner dragon to fly, to seek, to lurk in shadows, to learn, and help people believe that true #slavelife is no fairy tale? First, as any book nerd would do I bought a book on fucking dragons (okay two but don’t tell). Dragons are wrapped in myth and mystery yet one culture through time seemed to keep the original meaning of this force in nature we call ‘dragon’. Head over to the East Orient and the yang on their yin is a beautiful dragon. Of course the Norse used this symbol for shielding them from enemies. Oh and the Dragon is in the Septuagint (the first Christian bible). 

I feel like a dragon, a misunderstood #eved making my way through a world that calls sex wicked and scars sins. I can definitely start fires, I am a fierce guardian of my family, and all I seek is peace while people chuck spears and arrows at me. It looks like the only way to find the answer I seek is to go to my cave and see the light in the dark. So, crap that means more self growth and as much as the win at the end is fun the random wall slaps along the way can be much. Yet here I go!

Complexity of a Cunts Courage #eved

Socrates defined courage as "knowing what to fear."

What do you fear? Wait, this is my website! I fear not living my PURPOSE. Once a walking wtf of self-limitation and rage I must say I struggle how to convey why I now fear only 1.

My Owner, He who shall not be named, created me. Before you go sideways, please don't. He is my beginning of the beginning. He showed me my - limitations, fear, and anger - by, wait for it, letting me be me. (Thats not in the slave contract bwahahahah)

There is no coercion in #slavelife!! His wish and purpose is bestowing abundance to His creation. (If you want a list of how great my life is find another blog this shit is over your head) BUT, His creation could partake of His abundance only to the degree that their sense of unearned largesse would allow them.

My dual nature - the slave who longed to be free in service and the lost child setting fire to its life - was visible to Him from the start. He created openings and I built the roads. This is where most in BDSM bounce (WTF). BUT, I chose to stay and struggle because my soul could not walk away. He saw, grew, and fostered my freedom in service.

I struggled with a childish belief that the tangible - scars, gifts, a text - held more value than the intangible - calmness, steadiness, trust. I will not speak for Him, yet I know I hated every fall - I feared them. I wanted this Man since my dreams of youth. I wanted the one soul the could 'control' mine. A soul I was ashamed to hold and was taught God hated. He called on me to express the inexpressible.

I have gone from a powerhouse hiding unimaginable pain to a House of Power! My COURAGE comes from knowing if I ever give up on my purpose, I have allowed my fear to win. Well fuck that form of fear! I have a book being published, a successful career, a bank account not too shabby, a passport, and a feeling of fulfillment no man can touch. He gave me this and asked for nothing in return, is that not the Master we all seek? I guess one must put down the stereotypes and collars to see deeper, I did, and I won.

For myself the end of this year is approaching (Yep, my Jewish New Year is what you guys call Oct 2,3, and 4th …. We have a thing for threes) and as a slave I have found myself pondering my world, my service, my Owner, and my Kavanah! Quick language check Kavanah is focused intention. Meaning even the routine mundane matters in life have purpose and should be conducted in purposeful action.

I have taken this last month off studying and writing, I have napped a lot, and adjusted to a my new work life. Just as I relax into my daily to-dos my Owners gets shook. Not badly, just His life has its own ebbs and flows. So as I am the steady sea where He can be anything He wants I find myself trying to keep balance. 

This is where I find my Kavanah plays a key role. When I am at home, my work life is not allowed to enter. I intentionally do not allow myself to carry this as a constant weight. My job is serving my Owner and that I carry everywhere in everything I do. Let me give an example, as I walk down the street my head is held high because I am unashamed of who I am, I am Owners property living my purpose. I am a scary form of calm and happy that most people can not do themselves. My happiness is at times bigger than even His. I am only able to say that because my Kavanah is on my Job! My Purpose in life!

I could hyper focus on many things, yet I chose to always see that in this life I know my Job is serving my Owner and only if I lose that focus have I failed at my Job. Ex: six hostages murdered this last week and as millions argue and post I close my eyes shed a tear and smile because they will be back stronger than ever. My Job and my Faith are two sides of the same coin and whether you like the comparison I am doing my God given Job serving my Owner and I am a sea of calm that only me Owner knows how to sail.

There is a place in service where safety lives. We at times call it a form of boredom and think we should switch things up. I know Sir and He knows me. The boredom in that is when we see this knowledge as safety not neglect, we can treasure the boring Friday night. I can tell you His breathing levels and what vocal pitches mean. I can identify His demeanor at the door. And I mean deeper than 'yes sir' shit. It is a joy at six years to say the Man can bore me! His mind will always fascinate and create in ways that send chills down my spine BUT I can always count on Him to be Him. I can say in confidence I know He is trusting me. So, appreciate the boredom of safety and lavish in its light...

What a week! Sunday started with a gifted trip to get to see the Foo Fighters erupt a stadium in music and fireworks take over the Seattle skyline. So many goods in a simple evening still resonate with me. I was unafraid the whole concert and excited to see night cast its shadow through the sky. I sang with every song without apprehension. I truly attended my first concert at 46 and felt freedom. And yep Owner got a present!!! What slave goes to a concert alone and does not get their Man a gift?

My new coworker joined our team and like I always say God got jokes and yep, she is Jewish and when everyone left, we held hands and thanked God for a feeling of safety in unsafe times. She is a great kid and great co-worker I view it as my purpose to help her in our field as even though are experience is the same her beauty in youth could bite her, so I have her back.

The grandkids have started 5th, 4th, 3rd, and 2 in Kinder! I could not be prouder of those five little angels.

The week has been a busy work week. Yet I reflected on what I spoke of last week and how interconnected it is to the fact that most do not understand my purpose or my life in this world. Everyone awaits a collar or move in date, maybe even a weekend getaway with that Man of mine and that’s just not happening. We are happy and we do not fit into the standard BDSM box. But here we are rocking things are way and happy.

This weekend I am going solo to rock out with the Foo Fighters and see if Seattle can make the earth shake. While I rock out I am ringing in my babys birthday and continue to support them in their own journey. 

Yet my core got hit this week when Ireland arrested a Rabbi for performing  a legal circumcision and are currently holding this father of ten in jail without bail. I am ashamed of my own heritage as they prosecute my faith. This world  - one side wants this the other that and everyone forgets we are the same coin. I can’t even think of stepping foot on that land as I have fear of what would they do to me? Yet I am still getting my passport and planning a trip for next year I can promise it is not going to be Ireland! 

I do not want to fight the world or anyone. I trust that just as I was scared and alone so long ago thinking I was the only crazy little masochist slave that my words will find the others like me. We see love is equal for all and how we live should be our choice. Never punishing another and never pushing our way against theirs. I love all my BDSM brothers and sisters as well as the vanilla landscape of the world. 

Have you ever annoyed someone by being happy? I recently had a conversation that shed light on a truth I have overlooked. I am happy, genuinely fucking happy! I know my purpose, I have my Owner, and nothing actually makes me question my life anymore. And yes Owner was and is my key to happiness whether you want to hear it or not. It is not a tagline and I don’t say it to gain followers. AND apparently it can make people who should cheer for you boo instead!?

Maybe this is why certain members of my family actually despise me, because I have happiness. I never thought I would say such a thing but here I am in happy slave land frolicking in service wondering why everyone is so god dam grumpy. Then bam it hits - because your happy and no one can take it from you.

So why share it, so you see that it is a real thing as well. When you find your place in this giant overwhelming ugly place we call a world all of a sudden grass is green, the oceans sing, and no one can make you hate again - its epic. Sounds cheesy but my advice is if you can’t say this or think its bullshit then dig deeper and find you joy over fear. Are my migraines gone, no but the world is beautiful. Is my family perfect, no but I have grace to love beyond. Am I exactly the image I want to be in every way, no and guess what never will be but dam if anyone will stop me from knowing the slave I am and speaking loud and fucking proud.

PS HAMAS you don't scare us!

This week I have marveled at Olympic greats, sat bewildered how anyone could judge an Olympian for having a hair out of place, got pissed over countries threatening athletes, and got some new pussy in the house! Trust me, I wish I could say it is a brave new slave, yet it is my baby cat Twix. I was not planning on getting a pet and there I was at work and the cat just came to me and claimed me as their human. Now he is my little buddy and sleeps in Sir’s socks - oh he also thinks bondage rope is his toy…

I have been blessed in many ways, serving as the absolute greatest of all. Sounds maybe fake but it is what makes me great in all aspects. I had some revelations about age, it sucks and is super - I trade my youthful jump for wisdom. I am not unable yet I am seeing I have changed. I am unsure how to explain it but if you are 40 + you already know. I adapt to serving as I evolve and age, which does not mean giving up, it means changing up so I can be me. 

A big win was when my youngest called me because he actually picked up a book and read! He said fuck trauma and took hold. And guess what if I was not where I was today I could have never helped him make that step. And all of it is because of my Man. He has helped me grow beyond chains and meme service to a full human. I rock my work, I win daily watching my kids become strong thinkers and dare to challenge rules, I don’t break when my other family insults/disowns me but I let it hurt and remind myself that is theirs to bear, I sit in silence more than I chitter chat, and I value my time. I am in no rush to leave this world yet I am confident when I do it is all good. 

A wise man once said August is ‘a gust of change’ - And this little slave is unafraid. Plus it is my baby's 26th birthday.

The month is wrapping up and the world is watching the Paris Olympics. I hope all the athletes stay safe and we see that uniting is the only way for peace. 

I discovered this week one of my grandchildren is a budding talented artist who can look and recreate what she sees. A true gift from God and one I will watch blossom and unfold in life. Being homeschooled my grandkids get to be themselves and I could not be prouder of the dedication of their mother, my daughter. It takes boldness to stand up for what you believe in and sacrifice to make it happen. Guess I taught her something after all.

AND

Dr Tang is a chartered psychologist as well as a writer and broadcaster on mental health and said the classes were more than just dancing.

She said: "[Burlesque] is a place to talk about sexuality, sex and wellbeing.

"I work with a lot of other chartered psychologists and therapists and one of the key things that we recognized was that although sex is something we can live without, it is not something that we think about as important to our wellbeing.

"Because of that it is so important to have that connection, that intimacy, and burlesque allows you to have that sense of touch, that sense of intimacy, that sense of being able to talk about things."

This week has ushered changes and growth for not just myself but all. Dr. Ruth lives on in us all! However, my own child celebrated the big 29 with her family and I must admit I can just cry looking at her. She is strength and wisdom in all she does. My youngest celebrates next month and they are my little Unicorn in a world of Rhinos.

Service life is life. My job has been a whirlwind of WTF and Wow all at once. One minute I am holding the hand of a fighter facing cancer and comforting a survivor of rape. While managing all that I still rush home (like Im late or something) and wait for that door to open to see the Man I love and serve walk in. He makes my heart jump like He did on day 1, and I truly know that feeling will never die.

I had an ah-ha moment about energy this week. I spent most my life feeling ran over and pulled. Now, with my self centered in service, I am not pulled...I make my energy work for me and it amazes me to see how many doors I open for others in that! It is fucking awesome. My boss even asked me when I would like to become a manager at my company. And in thanks I said soon but not know I still need to understand this job - but lets be real it is nice to hear another sees your power.

I hope you out there are finding your strength even if it means tears and triumph. Don't let the scare of the world way you down and do not let the news tell you your values. Be bold and be you. Treasure your sexuality and thrive because you see past the box and play in Pandora.

Are there other ways of being alive? 

I heard this question while watching science shows, however, when those words were spoken I thought of myself and I thought of my trans-child. Why? We do not fit into current evolutionary standards of normal. I am not married yet consider my Owner my Husband in every sacred sense of the word. I do not feel as if I exist separate from my Owner but as a part of His very form, what is currently called ‘soul mates’ but again loose the S as we are one. My child is beyond my own comprehension as they feel as if they are two individuals living in one form i.e. a human version of Transformers. The top half is all girl and the bottom half all boys and balls.

I struggle to fit into BDSM as a slave. Most I come across have their ‘no’s’ and ‘nevers’ while they think I am a little nuts with no limits. Our world is a marvel of evolution. What once was grew and evolved to become the next generation for the last 300,000 years. Our essence of human form is held by 1% of our DNA (maybe also a reminder from HaShem we are 1). That grey 1% is what activates evolution and change. Maybe my child and all those like them are, even though misunderstood, are actually a future we have yet to understand... Maybe I am hearing words in my head that have always lived and forever will and it is time to be spoken…

So I ask, are there other ways of being alive that are beyond our comprehension at this time? I wonder if BDSM is a door to a world where people value the sexual mental connection to the other as natural. I hope that those of us in categories of taboo and extreme keep challenging the views of modern man and see beyond our very selves by embracing our power of sexual freedom and God given rights to be!

It is an ordeal to change your name. You go to court yet until you go to Social Security it is not real. Next week I should have the little blue card in hand, able to change my driver's license, and get a passport! I have no clue where I am going but I am going. I don't know when either, but my little brain is percolating some whale watching good times.

I am knee deep in research. I enjoy it and I find it to be a challenge. I am having an inner struggle with existence. Let me explain.

In my dreams I am part of a family. Freaky family but I have friends and a community. They are tangible to talk to, sit with, and be with. In real life I have no one to do this with. My home is me and I really do wish I had a friend.  I don't have someone to sit and just talk to and laugh. It sucks people, yet it does not mean I do not love the Owner. It means there is the real aspect that life as me is lonely. An example is the fourth of July everyone telling of family festivities and I was home alone annoyed by firework noises. I miss being part of a family. I know in my dreams I have one yet it would be nice for the real world to join in. 

July is a special month for me in several ways. My first child is born, it carries symbolism as a veteran of a veteran of a great-veteran, and it is the month I met the Owner of my dreams. It also begins the next eight months of birthday celebrations for my direct line. 

Six years I have walked this path. I have fallen and I have learned. I have never given up. Yet, I feel the ominous presence of evolution ahead. I can't say what this is, I can say I know who I am now writing these words and I again will look back and say wow I have grown. I am patiently waiting for my book release on the outside and on the inside antsy as fuck! I want to touch it and hold it. I have wanted to write my whole life and never let it come out of me. It is like holding a child, you wait and all of a sudden you meet a creation of your own hands and just cry. 

I am sitting in the dark with my youngest child as they navigate their growth and own evolution. It is hard but I remind myself how many times did I just want someone to listen and remind me I am strong. So that is what I am doing and it is teaching me wisdom. And yes it feels awesome to be your child's friend and shoulder to cry on. And guess what? I could never have done it without my Owner and what He gave me - life and love beyond my wildest imagination. Funny how when you allow someone to help you it ripples in ways you could never dream. And that is His gift to me.

“It is an object” , I have heard these words many times. Yet, this last time a new feeling erupted. I stared at the words and jested ‘the fuck I am, I am so much more.’ Mind you, these words hold a beautiful weight for me and always will, but I have come a long way and see the other side. See when these words came my mood was not positive, it was not negative, it was placid. Today is a very important day for me! Yet due to the circumstance of my place in His life my day is a lone celebration with the Lord alone. Maybe God wants this and maybe I am selfish. 

I really do not talk about how hard it is to exist as I do. I was reading about Avraham and Hagar, his second wife, who gets cast out due to her behavior and the wife Sarai’s jealousy, for 50 fucking years! Hagar remained His, awesome and how strong is she, but what was it like being alone in love for 50 years waiting to go home is kinda how I feel at times, hagard(seriously where the expression comes from fyi). It pained me thinking I am designed to exist alone in my days. Yeah I have kids but they are adults and live in other states. My day is bland, I wake, work, home, serve, repeat. I feel bad going out, I do not make plans due to migraines and again guilt for making them, and being car less travel is not happening.

Why I don’t share is because I get asinine people going let me be your daddy, for fuck sake! Being honest that there are down sides in serving is not an open door for the dick brigade to come knockin. It is part of this magical world we would rather not address. Well, I always say I will share my truth and my truth is I am pissed to celebrate alone today. I am bored and my house is annoying me. I have writer's block because dreams seem to be all I do. And ITS MY PARTY AND I WILL CRY IF I WANT TO! 

If I could find a woman brave enough to serve with me it would be a legit miracle from above because fuck fuck fuck do profiles pontificate bullshit. The - I am a slave BUT here are all the things no, cool! How many times do I need to say I don’t want another me around. Yet I can say I wish He was around me and I was actually part of life in full. Yep sappy shit but true. On that note I take my name today and my birthright is being restored. There is always a silver lining.

The first day of Summer has arrived! The longest day of the year…Yesterday I was approached by UCLA asking for donations. I listened to their tale of triumph and when they asked if I would donate to their cause my reply was simple. I support Israel. As I watched the sorrow come over this youngsters face I stood strong in my actions. The UCLA has been involved in so many protests against me and my values I could not give them anything but kind words and wished them a good day. Yes the UCLA has gone to battle for the Trans community, my kid is Trans, yet in my community my kid is not an evil! Am I telling you who to support, not at all, you do you. 

I remind myself daily that Abraham created three paths to God, I chose my path and purpose, and in that I will not waver. It also does not mean to be an asshole to those different from me. 

My youngest has yet to attain help from the medical world yet they are trying and see they need help. And fuck do I wish I could make it better, so I listen and remind them of their strength, and wait for the day they believe in themself. Hum…sounds like what God does everyday! 

Tomorrow I take my name BACK! No longer shackled by a name that is not mine to bear and I am excited to be me, fully. I need my name. Our names matter and my birthright is my name and blessing. 

That power, that feeling of having purpose, knowing what I am here to do, and walking with my head held high is a feeling no words can capture. I am genuinely happy. I am grateful to wake and serve the Owner. I work my ass off to care for the residents I support. And I keep writing, dreaming, and delivering the beauty that is life. 

On that note, stay you, stay cool, and dream bigger than you ever have while believing you can actually do what you dream!

Standing Outside the Fire Written by Jenny Yates & Garth Brooks

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire

'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong

Those who can face this world alone

Who seem to get by on their own

Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak

Who are unable to resist

The slightest chance love might exist

And for that forsake it all

The Endocannabinoid System is the largest neurotransmitter system in the body - a network of chemical signals and receptors that regulate many aspects of our health and behavior, from top to bottom.

The Cortisol Hormone, i.e. the stress hormone, regulates your body. BUT, it is a release that regulates 7 powerhouses:

• Nervous System
• Immune System
• Cardiovascular System
• Respiratory System
• Reproductive System
• Musculoskeletal System
• Integumentary System

Between these two one’s whole body is involved. If you are a bottom these two systems take charge in ‘power play’ - giving a clear indication, we are definitely made this way. In a more direct description BDSM is the equivalent of the Runners High of sexuality. The duality of pleasure and pain has been acknowledged for years, yet only recently have there been professionals (i.s. Dr. Hamilton and Dr. Klein) brave enough to include sacred sexuality to the list. So, let us stand in our biological pride of pleasure in BDSM! As Sutter points out the psychological response to pain is very similar to that of an orgasm. (Reference The Journal of Sexual Medicine Volume 17, Issue 4, April 2020, Pages 784-792)

I am an assiduous sassy little slave, if I must say. You see the more I seek to understand, the more I find me. Research is untamed and unpredictable. Life is what it is. And as I sit buried in books my youngest child is headed to their very first Pride Parade. She is dressed in the cutest red and black goth skirt and full makeup. He is transgender! They also identify as a straight bottom. Just about 27 years of age and finally able to be who they are. And I am granted the gift to be by their side into the journey of the unknown. Yep, my kid talks to me about sex, and they even met the Owner.

We were reconnected just about two years ago. I found my baby grown, yet threatened and battling suicidal ideation. The pain of being different was more than they could comprehend. The joy of being reunited came with the worst pain a parent knows - I can’t fix it. We have cried together many times. I pray for them everyday. What I do not do is stay silent. When they reach out I listen and guide them to find their answer. The truth is I look at my child and see they are greater than me - my lioness living in the Sun! They no longer stand outside the fire, they jumped in full force at an age I was only capable of hiding in. See, at twenty-seven, I gave up on love. And here my baby is set out to find love. 

Raising children with determination to live in this world, and know they have a place in the world to come, takes a vulnerable parent. I have to share my falls so that they may stand. I do not bash the other parent - I own my actions. When they see the ugly - I must help them find beauty. When they hurt - I must remind them of their strength. And if they are unable in a moment to fight their fears - I stand with them knowing there will be another opportunity to grow. Now maybe you are wondering how biology and my baby fit into a book about BDSM. That baby is my blood, they carry my biology, and paradoxically they share my BDSM lifestyle. Now you may think I am excluding the oldest child, yet they live what we call in our world Vanilla, and she is all me too, call her the 50’s home model! They are my Sun and Moon right here on Earth.

See, I must share a truth that is painful, not shameful! My baby got lost heading to the parade and ended up in tears at home. When they reached out I did something that took courage, yet hurt. I asked them to seek inpatient treatment. The idea of suicide has never been resolved for my child. They need real help to cope and overcome years of abuse and hate filled hurt they experienced in the home. I remember being pregnant with my beautiful child while myself living with his abusive father. He was conceived in fear and grew in fear. The last time my child saw me his father was hitting me, he was only nine months old. When separated the dad tried desperately to man him up. Well, it did not work. It did however scar my child deeply. I just quoted the medical professionals explaining that sex is a biological part of our being. Now you hear me say when my child needs help, I point to them and their expertise to give my child a solid foundation. My baby will not be another trans statistic of loss, they will be victory!

He agreed to get help, yet again now I must be their strength and make sure they actually go. This horror of truth is plagued in our world. The desecration of sexuality has been hidden, lied about, and burned to the literal ground. This is why I speak up and out. Could you imagine if instead of being frozen in fear waiting for Armageddon to rear its ugly head we embraced the truth that life here is not going anywhere! Would we embrace those who saw deeper into sexuality as hero's instead of villains? 

“It means pride in what you are, and a loss of all false pride in what you are no longer.” Beauty’s Release, Anne Rice 

A powerful statement when understood in its fullest form. As I read the above words I felt my heart beat and my chest tighten. I have learned to have pride in what I am. There is a maddening calmness in becoming me. Fear became non-existent when I understood being my Owner’s slave is what I am, and that there is no choice. A priceless education and training that no volumes of books could ascertain to you have given me a clear and useful purpose to the true me - expertly channeled by the Master. Placing me on the cutting edge of the present rips the mental skin from my bones and frees the slave. 

I am in the editor's chair you might say as I await art work and the first official print of my first book! I have no fear when it comes to the release, if it has sales, or if I have mass approval of my words. I know it will be completed when the time is chosen, I know those who need to find the book will, and all I seek is to help those struggling with their own sexuality a safe place to go deep and dark without fear. My writing is taboo times ten and do not dare me to challenge my rights to write! I will fight back with honor. 

The fact is that I am already writing my second book. And baby I go even darker and deeper into sadistic sexual salvation. When will that be complete? Don’t ask me, I am the tool writing and when it is time I will just know. I bought my desk, and yes that means for the last two years I have sat on the floor with a notepad and pencil toiling away. My home library continues to grow with books of old and new shining snippets of wisdom and inspiration. Recently  have been rather enamored with the PhD level study of BDSM, i.e. Sexology, and how fascinating it is to understand the biology involved with our taboo world. 

Touch is a sensory receptor for the flesh. I can be balls deep in a blow job while my nails cascade His skin, His fine curly hairs, and glide up His muscles bulging in His calves. Seductively using my tits to straddle His various parts as pendulums of pure lust. Yet if we only give this sensory appeal life in the flesh we are unable to see the stimulation within.

Touch is a war-like weapon of its own. My touch can trigger a vast array of sensations, as do His. I will be candid to the fact that touch, that is being touched for myself, is at times a struggle. And one that can easily trigger me to armor up and become stiff. Or the other side in which I feel the safest I have ever known. I work very hard to remember this truth, not just mine, but all. Before confusion is caused as a self-titled masochist, I hate pain. Purpose is not pain in this world. Pain is an outside force that is unwelcome. Purpose is a sensation of great triumph of mind over matter. That statement alone has taken six years to learn and will take a lifetime to master.

My Master is a sadistic thesaurus of thoughts. His hands, His mere fingertips can cause the most intense form of purpose inside me. Trust me He needs no whip to make me whale in tears. His palm is more brutal than leather. His voice is an unbreakable chain. If you quickly say, voice is not touch, I will adamantly defend that one's voice is the most powerful touch - it opens your soul. The Master's voice is the instrument that plays the strings of my heart. His words can either break me or build me. As a sadist He holds this instrument as a Master musician! Just as I have shared what a heavy touch He can wield, He can also hold me with mercy in a pure caress of kindness. His fingertips holding the base of my neck in safety. His palm stroking my flesh with tenderness. 

On a final note - Bless the IDF and the four hostages freed this weekend! Stay strong and Shalom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My concentration is always guided in my service and if I can acknowledge that God was right to give me such passion, then what is left is to teach others that they are not alone by owning my power of purpose. Removing the blinders placed on humankind by what they deem as worthy. Rising above the hate and shedding light to the beauty in sexual service. And refusing to bend to man. My fig tree’s fruit is dangling between the Owner's legs and I suckle the seeds proudly. The Master’s vigorous motions are the melody that winds me up. 

Tzniut (Modesty) means discreet habits, quiet speech, and affections privately expressed, and infers the avoidance of grossness, boisterous laughter, raucous behavior, even “loud” ornaments - symbolized by a veil. In the Torah, Rebecca is the wearer of the veil and this alludes to the glory of understanding modesty in its highest form. This verse can be used against many people in many forms as sexuality gets roped in as well. Afterall the veil represents marriage - the bonding of two sexually. Rebecca is the keeper of the road to Israel! 

We all remember when Adam and Eve discovered they were ‘naked’ and in that Kabbalistic form this is when we truly see ourselves before and with God as one and feel an overpowering shame that we are not perfect nor deserve an unconditional love that as a human we can't repeat. Their Modesty i.e. their Glory in the power of Sefriot had to be attained and protected. As soulful treasure that if not protected in all aspects could be consumed by our evil inclination. 

Now in Deuteronomy 22:5 one could spout being transgender as an unbiblical act against God in the Modesty war. Yet again if you know Kabbalah, clothing ourselves of the opposite sex is referring to our soul and dressing it in a disguise that allows evil to live within and destroy the very essence of your being - it is not about boxers and bras. Tzniut was intended to preserve the sanctity of the inner human being from assault by the coarseness of daily life. Dignity comes not from exposure and indecent exhibition, but from discretion and the assurance that the human being will be considered a private, sensitive being, not merely a body.

#pride #love #modesty #ego #balance #kabbalah #eved #blowjobblog

Yesterday was the celebration of Lag BaOmer, a remembrance of a great teacher of Kabbalah. Today is the American day to remember the veteran's who fought for our freedom here. As people scream out who is more valid than who I will not. We are one and we must love one another.

This past week at work a 27 year old passed away. Medically it will be listed as an overdose, yet I say it was loneliness. Why? In a meta-analysis of studies on loneliness, researchers Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Timothy B. Smith, and J. Bradley Layton found the following: Living with air pollution increases your odds of dying early by 5 percent. Living with obesity, 20 percent. Excessive drinking, 30 percent. And living with loneliness? It increases our odds of dying early by 45 percent.  This soul identified with being transgender and alone in a scary world that did not accept them. Yes, drugs were a coping mechanism; however, what killed was the overwhelming feeling of being alone.

It is easier as a society to say drugs over feelings to dismiss responsibility for the souls the surround us. Just like the Rabbi taught love, soldiers fought/fight for freedom, and yet we continue to lose an alarming number of people due to the feeling that they walk this world alone. I have myself, I think at some point we all do. On this day ask if you are a soul that allows another to be themself without judgement. Don't dismiss the addict as weak and walk away. We must re-see the world with the lens God gives us. Love your neighbor as yourself! 

Vietnam vets are terrorized by haunting memories to this day, world war veterans have seen things we can't imagine, Israel is fighting to exist, and we can't fathom that here. (I know because it is my little work to guide and help these souls find peace as a social worker) We meme what scares us as educated humor while killing another's soul. We quite before we try. We give in to not be rejected. Well, the souls willing to stand and hurt are stronger than us all. I know understanding that I can't hate those who hate me has made me wiser and stronger. I pray you dig deep within and ask why someone scares you so much you respond in hate. You will find your reflection within - not theirs.

I will never forget her (my client who passed) smile when she got a haircut and was baffled why someone was nice to them. Little Gemini with a beautiful smile and a beautiful soul.

 We are different. My destiny is mingled with greater renunciation of self. I have my Master, the one who brings me into harmony. Just as Manna from the Heavens flows freely so does this soul in service. He has inalterably molded my servitude. A deeper, finer form of burnt pride and undisguised passion. I have, and will continue, to undergo unique trials of the body and soul. Feeling His power in the marrow of my bones. I belong in His realm of intricate power and submission. If boring perfection is attained, the Master will root my faults to the surface to be broken. With divine and anguished abandon His extreme is delicious. I found my perfect purpose and in that I will not rise above it, but own it. He unleashed the unimagined in necessary discipline and allowed my nature to flow freely. 

I picked up my journal and flipped to its first page and found the following:

May 8th 2021: Psalms 84:12,13 - For a sun and shield is the Lord God; grace and glory will the Lord give; he will not withhold any good from those that walk with integrity. O Lord of Hosts, happy is the man that trusteth in thee.

Man can correct himself. Man can also blame himself. This is where I am at.  I Know the traditional and internet what to do of being a slave, yet truly being a slave is a mess in history books. Are slaves happy to serve or indentured in hate and angst? I have dreamt so long of what it means to be a slave that at times it confuses me. I know God does not hate me, yet I can hate myself without trying. I have not fit in my whole life, yet I finally fit in and now have nothing. I am still owned, yet the miles are too many. I am mad, yet happy. I feel completely unslave-like yet solid. I made mistakes and I don’t blame others. I blame me just fine. I cannot go back in time to be blameless yet does that also mean there is no one to blame? Trial and error seems to be my life alone. Yet error seems to win. SO how do I get the TRY out of TRIal? Who tells me? Do I tell me or just be me? The constant problems.

Three years later this question has been answered, yet evolved to a new one. How do I trust myself when I cannot tell you when I lost trust? I want my power to serve BACK! Recently I have had some great developments in life and work, yet my service is still migraine based fear. I started a new med and I pray it does not help for two months and stop like the last one. I can see it hurts Him just as much as me. 

I know power is a nebulous concept that is not inherently good or bad. I also know my power has been buried so deep that freeing it is….okay well actually I don’t know how to free it! I have to trust myself to free it and that means taking my two values, Time and Loyalty, center stage. How does being loyal to myself create a mountain? Because God got jokes! No, seriously though I am confronted with the same truth as a slave I was three years ago -  I have dreamt so long of what it means to be a slave that at times it confuses me. 

Conflict: clash of contradictory feelings, a serious disagreement within oneself.

It is funny when we say, write, or hear this word, in pure instinct our body armors up for the defense and the sword is drawn. Yet what is this said armor and exactly what sword do you wield? Well I can not answer this for you; yet, I feel driven to dismay some of my own thoughts and feelings to those who grant me the gift of seeing my words.

I can even read what I write and wonder if I make this life look easy, complex, or worse, too extreme! I see where I play down or safely script words in hopes not to send you screaming away from service. And before I get myself ramped in word ramble this is my armor - I can adjust to anyone's personality and blend in or make you wish you could rip your own skin off. My armor shine is if you call me on it I could easily rebuff that is what a Sagittarius does.

My sword is diabolical at best - it can transform to exactly what I need at any given moment. Do I dare make the pun and remind you a pen is mightier than the sword! I spent my life watching people use words to manipulate or master any given situation while simultaneously studying the fine art of bullshit backsteps. Take this with my armor and I can tell you I have no blame for what I say and I was raised that way.

Let’s get ready to RUMBLE! How the fuck do I go from one extreme to another? The sad answer is I did not have the courage to be anything else. I need to be tough, show no weakness, and never let them see you cry. I would love to blame someone other than myself for this behavior, and trust me the forty years I did you could have never convinced me otherwise. I even had the perfect explanation to defend my struggle with addiction - dam parents DNA is a bitch.

SO…was it a flash of lightning that electrified the light to shine and bam I just knew everything and everything got all better by the time I woke the next day? Oh fuck no, if you are a fan here you all remember the Four Horseman of the Slave Apocalypse. Even after writing that I realized what I had jested on paper was what was not only happening but going to rip me apart for the next two years. You ever see Stranger than Fiction because that shit happened! Was it Mars in retrograde or did my Tarot cards just not play out? Again, it was all me and it was ugly.

This means everything is perfect now right, I mean six years of growing should mean that I am all better? NO! How do I know that? When you start balling your eyes out reading an opening quote of a book to feel the inner child reach out and give you a hug you know you are forever healing. I do need to own up to some shit. Good old social media memories - I posted on BDSMLR long ao a snippy comment towards Brutal Master and Greyhound ”Well if I had a 24/7 camera crew and no job I could do that too.” I remember when I wrote I was writing in my armor and jesting with my sword how simple her life is and how unchallenged she is. When I remembered what I had posted a year or so later I felt shame and straight stupid for mocking her as a fellow slave with a perfectly scripted apology once again posted - and now I see what I mocked was myself and how I always created and still can create a reason to ‘not do’ something.

As Brene Brown would say “write what you need to read”! Ah how these words shattered my spine and even now I am staring at them with her book in hand I can tear up knowing I do not have all the answers to life's greatest challenges. I feel strongly that our culture of BDSM has been downgraded to sex shows and techno music. I wonder who the brave soul was that said I practice BDSM first and what exactly they meant when they said it. I remember being eighteen (1996) and finding ALT.com and being amazed it had a name while at the same time reading profiles and judging every person's profile I read. Yep, I can be a judgy little cunt. 

What truly changed my outlook and provided my charity in life is….wait for it…Jewish Kabbalah! You and I both could laugh for hours how understanding God changed my life. Shall we compare this to a revelation, a spiritual awakening, oh I know Hallelujah…NO! It is more like blowing up a building, taping it off to be an empty hole for a few years, and slowly getting a permit to rebuild with the most obnoxious permit inspector you have ever met. Yes I just call God obnoxious and I mean it. Go figure the creator of the universe is a control freak, who would have thunk!!!

This realization created the thought bubble that my involvement in the BDSM community is powerful. I co-create with you. This also translates to being 100% genuine and authentic. This is the challenge I face, every moment and every day. As Pink would lament ‘It hurts to be human” and this shield is my greatest challenge to balance. My human wants to paint a picture you enjoy looking upon, and my inner child wants to flip the world off. Alas, my work is to sit with the rumble, the differences, the dynamics of diversity in BDSM without dismissing the connection we all carry! The one uniting truth in our world is finding psychological safety to seek out our deepest desires and share our dreams free from fear.

My first book is aptly titled No Limits; however, as I stared at the poster board and the white seemed to blind me with the word Limitless and it took hold. Limitless is the title of my second book I am currently writing. This feat has begun slowly as I had to come down from the first book high to see that even though I have gained much knowledge, wisdom is still a vessel forming. Just as thirteen years ago Brene Brown defined shame for me, she inspires me to go deeper and Dare to Lead. In that I find myself again learning how to be a true member of my community and finding value in all the various forms we come in! Limitless is a step above no-limits and well I need to step up.

This week during my reading I stumbled across the most profound truth. A Rabbi, who's life was one of an example, expressed in his last breaths that he feared seeing the Almighty. Dumbfounded people could not fathom why he would say such. He then said (paraphrasing) will the Almighty ask why were you like Moses and not more like you?  The tears fell when I read these words. 

I have many times in life found myself comparing myself to another or attempting to live as another. Missing the magnificence in myself. I, as many others can, could give you an endless list of what we would fix within and never pencil the words of our own greatness.  The balance I have found is seeing my unique attributes as a gift from above and my challenges as my attributes to overcome below. 

In serving I can say this very fact has been a monumental journey to take on. Being a slave to a married man can be cast into a third wheel philosophy. It took years for me to see I am not a third but the one. A wife is not a slave - in my world. You could also cast the poly cloth out and say I belong here - yet I do not.  I am His property alone. He could have ten others at His feet and my place, and my purpose does not change! He has two homes and holds them fiercely to His chest. It is my place to protect these walls just as fiercely. 

In this what I wish to express is this is all I know so far and I will not compare, label, or change who I am for another's comfort. I respect the world around me and keep the two separate, as we all should, and with the Almighty within me I say we are all challenged to ask ourselves who we are in this life. Are you, you?

What an April! My time with my child and grandchildren is beyond words. I sat in awe watching childhood verge on teen hood while I watched some have freedom to run and play without worrying about their limits. We went to the Fair, Caving, and of course the Zoo. The best part was the non-stop hugs and seeing the beauty my oldest child has shaped in five little souls.

I ended one work and began anew. I did not leave my one work with anything undone, I actually made sure everything was done and even housed, with Gods grace backing me, two clients who needed to also move on. I have spent the week in a whirlwind of trainings, new acronyms, and 33 new clients to call my own.

On a sad note my migraines need to just fucking stop already. I literally understand why people chose to take their life from medical problems and having no release and no help when all you can do is lay in pain for days on end is not living. No I am not suicidal, I am saying it is something I can understand the why of. We take for granted our health until we have a medical problem. I have never really had my body stop me, it was always my head, yet now my head is clear and my body is like bitch you aint doing shit! Here is the true hurt...I am limited in serving in by this and it is killing me. Three and half years of migraines that I have every week and ruin every day off are not a joke.  I keep fighting, I keep praying, I keep serving but if I could punch the source of migraines I would be willing to throw down.

Today, being Mothers month I have encouraged both my children to move to Washington and find their peace in life. I wont really explain it but I was disowned again by a sister while visiting my kids. I closed my eyes, thanked God for a drama free vaca, yet seeing family attack my kids due to their own issues is not something I stayed quite about. We shall see what comes...

This little slave is headed out for vacation with its beautiful children and grand children. As much joy as I have for this I must say not being near the Owner is painful. 

This is a journey and I know it will continue down winding roads and lessons to learn. I also know He will always be there with me and that alone is my heaven on earth.

To my Jewish brothers and sisters across the world who are being attacked you are in my soul with strength! To those also affected by the war i.e. the innocent Palestine's being massacred I see you and hold your souls as dear. #fuckhamas and may God hold your souls - you will need it. Yep, that's right I even pray for the idiots who are mislead - we are ONE!

The Eclipse is a great event, a monumental one if you understand the insight of the bodies governing our world. The Sun and Moon see all but we only know one face of each. The Sun and Moon do not orbit, we do and when they meet up the Sun sees the Moon’s dark side and a shadow casts upon us and then again the world can see.

Well for me this thirteen-month year has held many truths and 13 seems to be on repeat. I am born of the 13 month year, this 13 month cycle is when I came to be here on this Earth, and this is my 13th year in social work. Much has happened this year and soon I will see my grandkids during Passover and give them hugs and when I return home I will say goodbye to one work and begin another. 

I am still plagued with Migraines and lately, they have taken a toll. I am troubled in many aspects and they are the aspects most vital in life. Service in my purpose and my work on Earth. I wish I could scream loud enough that someone would hear my cries and show me how to adapt and deal with the pain of these. Alas, I hear nothing back and I am struggling.

April is to be a month of an ending and a new beginning. I will be saying goodby to my current work and starting with a new company. I will remain working with the 'homeless population' except I will be working in housing. Yes, I do believe all humans deserve housing and no one should be on the street. I am sure there will be new challenges and I am looking forward to it.

To be honest I never thought this day would come and there is some sadness in the change. I see the bright light inside the clients I work with, and I will miss them all. I have a new pay rate and a career to build. I have new clients awaiting and Seattle Housing Authority Law to learn. 

#baseballopeningday2024

I am a baseball fan more than any other sport. My first memory with my step-dad is standing in Wrigley Field (the original) and watching the #Cubs play. I remember feeling safe as he held me and cheered on his team. They won the World Series in 1906 and 108 years later in 2016 my dad was over the moon when he got to see them win again.

2018, when I was new to being owned, I still remember what I was wearing and doing, when the #RedSox won the World Series. This year a rare occurrence happened here in #Seattle. The #Mariners opening game series is against the #RedSox! My butt was there to see it. I find it quite the paradox as the #Mariners were born in 1977 and so am I. I live here and I do root for them in the sense that this is my home, yet my Irish heart is with the #RedSox. The first game they won by 2, yet #Mariners are holding fast as they have won the next two games by 1 and have a game today. I'm not the stat checker I just like a good game.

Yes, I went all by myself, I do that often. I am more than happy to enjoy myself by myself. 

Is Your ALL on the Alter

We say ‘give it your all’, but what are we calling ‘ALL’? In the last couple of weeks, an evolution has occurred in my service - a transformation if you will. It all started when I found myself in the Owner’s arms and my body wielded on its own, with grace and give. I had no harsh movements while serving, no hesitation, and yet the pain was present. I felt the proverbial out-of-body experience. I could see my body glide into His grip and feel nothing but His beauty guiding me. I felt the very moment my body took back control and jarred. Without a hesitant breath, I laid back in His grip in astonishment.

This level of service is not defined as slavish or servile, it is called ‘Yielding’. Think of how one yields in traffic, if you slam on your brakes you will cause a collision, if you slowly pay attention to your surroundings every action stays in motion without interruption in perfect harmony. I, up to this point, have never served from this stance. I am the slave who has boasted I would not fall, yet now I am baffled by the desire to fall - a true form of yielding to His will alone. I wish I could explain this feeling in more depth, yet the truth of the matter is I have no foundation to speak from. 

I truly believe I have always given my all to the Master. This evolution does not mean I was not. The veil of service has thinned and a greater insight has been gained. I trust Sir to teach and guide as He has for several years. Maybe one day I will be able to help another, for now, I must travel a new path.

Guess what I was doing? #Seattlefetishball2024

I was there from start to finish but not as one may think. I was not there as an acclaimed author (yet) I was not there proudly paraded as the #sadistsupper, I was one of the security guards. By nights end I was 'nippledom' armed with electric tape and scissors. Guys your nipples count as nipples just a reminder. The talent and beauty was mesmerizing. The range of age from barley legal to grey hair was in attendance. So many looks, kinks, and pride of sexuality it was truly perfect. 

I have now picked up side gigs along with overtime at work. Not being able to have the capital to invest in my dreams reminded me I am responsible for what I have and do not have. It is a shitty reality. #slavelife does not keep the lights on, work does. I miss my Owner as days I would normally see Him I have missed and that goes both ways. I hate not being home to see Him but I have to take care of the bills.

I met people just exploring their curiosities and versed with the well experienced. I was the only security guard who had ever attended such an event and it was nice to be in my element. I know you wonder what of the Owner and that is silly it is not our thing to go to such events together. I looked at it as seeing what is going on in my town. I want my writing to hold value one day and well something comes from nothing and I am in the I ain't got nothing stage.

A really awesome part is my writing has vastly improved and my second book is coming along like a song I have always known and finally have the words to sing. My first book still is in editing and publishing but I hope for the day I get to say it is ready.

As you may all be waiting for an epic dirty blog I will say you will be disappointed. I made a promise to myself to start my second book and not share the words within. Here is what I will share...

I am literally fighting tears back writing. The emotional weight of being lost for so long and then being found is crippling and now said crippling is being peeled back layer by layer and I find myself in tears while writing.

I am not writing fan fiction and fantasy. I am writing my life, my fears, my joys, and my faith. As some words peer back at me I can see through them and it fuckin hurts in a freeing tear filled lament. For myself another cycle of service has begun as I want more and so does Sir. 

The only way to make it happen is that I trust myself and Him above all.  I have to remove my barriers without falling off the wall I have built. I have said Master Tears in Time for years now yet somehow I am only now learning its true meaning.

This last couple weeks have been interesting. I have been helping a client meet a goal and they said a truth I wanted to share with you: 'when you are on your own you can't just not work or you lose everything.'

That hit me hard and I think it hits us all. In our society we can't just not go to work and expect to have a home to come home to. When you live alone this truth is also a fear factor. This made me think of two things - how I became the Owner's slave and my aspirations.

How many of you have felt a pull to live your dreams yet money and safety ruled over them? I did for twenty years - it is called being a single mom - and I still do. I could not chase my wants as I had a gift to care for and yes at night I would dream of what one day would be, but I did not dare pursue said lifestyle. Then the children became grown and I was offered my dream - not financial security or free rent - my desire to be a true slave. I chucked m life in a car and chased my dreams. Only God kept me standing because I came close to living on the streets the moment I chose to be me.

That makes me wonder how many others out there are like oh to be a true slave yet turn around and career, home, and responsibilities shadow over them. I took a huge chance following my Owner to another state and building my life - one I will never regret, yet admit it is not for the faint of heart.

This brings me to my second point, aspirations. I got a wonderful call from the London Book Fair and they want to have my book featured at this event (it is a big fucking deal).  I do not have the capital to invest as it would wipe out my savings. Which then felt like a knife to the heart of wondering why no one invests in me and my dreams. Being a writer in a tech crazed society has changed the publishing world and it literally hurts that I could not do this.

I am still publishing my book yet in a minimal way is my fear. Yet I will also say I have begun writing my second book as I am a writer, a dreamer, and it is who I am. Life is a balance between our soul driven desire to find our purpose and then live it and paying rent. While one person may be turning down a promotion I can't seem to get a raise or a promotion. I'm not mad nor jealous it is our world and it is delicate. I know G-d has my back and knows the time for it all and this little human can admit at times it hurts to not see clearly.

Here is what i will say - keep dreaming, raise your kids and never shirk a gift as such, keep writing and drawing, singing and dancing - you are heard and yes your pain is real and you are not wrong to have it just do not let it kill your purpose in this life.

Happy late Valentines to those who do as well as Happy Lunar Moon...Notice we say HAPPY to preface the outcome?

I am happy and I am struggling. 

My headaches still exist.  Yet they are less and I function better.

My low paying work is still my work. Yet through all the struggles here we have saved more lives than lost.

My editor created an awesome book cover (my adult book) that made my heart jump and how I long to hold my final work in my hands. On the side of that my children's book received a rejection by one of the four publishers I sent it to but again that is alright.

My purpose, serving my Owner, is great! Not perfect and at times the weight of the world could get Him or me feeling heavy but no matter what we are we through it all.

We are not meant not to struggle, this is the lie that started so much trouble. We are to find balance. Struggle gives choice - choice gives free will - and no free will means no humans!  

I am saying all of this because we get bombarded by 'if your suffering God has punished you' mindset; well fuck me they got that mistranslated to say the least. We meaning every choice I make has had a response - be it the next moment of the next twenty year gap, I am cleaning up my mess - stop blaming faith and God for struggle or God hating, that is all human. Grab hold of the rope and crawl out and scream all you want and when you fix it dont fucking do it again. 

Sexuality is the beautiful gift we are given, it is literally how we came into being. Yet again we say which club are you in and do you meet the majority mindset. It is simple if your sexuality is to remove free will from another human than you are wrong, period! If your sexuality is welcomed by the other (meaning an adult I will not tolerate that pedo crap) than be you and own it. If you are struggling with your sexuality pray and ask to see what you cannot, and before you expect the Heavens to open and a light to beam down see what pops on facebook when you scroll, see who stands next to you at the bus terminal, and see the signs you miss everyday. 

Please do not leave this world early from pain and fear. Call for help, reach out until someone reaches back with an honest heart to help lift you up. Do not ever punish those not like you - that includes the shit you say in your head to. 

Asenath

Her piercing green eyes held Master’s secrets of the Universe. He had woven a great beginning within her heart. With wisdom of both worlds she bowed in beauty and is betrothed to the Lord before her. “Existence without Him is a pain which I will never know. From now to times end my flesh is bound to be His in all and every way desired.” These are not mere words, for my words are willed in the depth of darkness and harnessed by my acts in the light. 

Master, I have spoken little of Him. You may wonder who, what, where, why, and how; yet I will smile and say nothing. The crumbs I have given you to follow are more than enough. Afterall you are more knowledgeable than I was five years ago when nothing more than a voice guided me. That same voice still holds me today. How would you like me to explain His power to show you what you wish to see? Honestly, I do not care to share His resume of life; yet truthfully, I do seek a sister in this world. And I expect you to be brave and bold to do so.

What would impress me….nothing…Impressions are limited and I seek the limitless soul who is brave enough to say I wish….and believe that their wish is real. 

Good News! Chiropractic care is a positive addition in life. With each visit I feel my body release a little more. And yep headaches are in decrease mode.

Now the real side is that I still cant do me. My body is adjusting and relaxing and not only do I want my abilities back but so does the Man up Top. And in that it hurts that I can't. I literally feel like I am letting Him down and not good enough. Please don't do the oh you know better than that...duh! I feel horrid that I can't give Him His release in full and that is fact not fiction.

Which led to me looking at my low-income life and feeling bad for not being some great financial success. Then as the universe does I sat before a client at my work who was going through the same lost feelings. As I listened and talked with her how life is not about what your bank balance is and I heard myself saying 'I may make less but my kids call to just say hi and that they love me' where as for others there kids may not call at all. It is very hard to not get sucked into this world and measure our success by glitter and gold. 

I strive everyday to see I am getting stronger and allow the feeling of being unable to exist and I don't dismiss it and go balls deep at a gym to prove it. I don't look at others and wish for their life. I have a great gift in this world and it is my service and just like everything in life I have to keep my balance. And thank God I have clients who sit down and make me see my blessings as they are meant to be. 

I am hoping next month to start yoga again and praying this is a beginning of anew that allows me to return to my 'can't you hit harder' sassy side I do miss.

1095, that is 3 years, this is mine! I own it. So what is it? Sobriety!!!

This  מִספָּר (number)  is my story and my journey in life. I have been addicted to many forms of negativity in this life. Maybe you like chaos, shopping trips, food, and the list goes on.

I can say for three years I have peeled the layers of pain back and not allowed them to re-root. In that I hope you find your smile as well.

CUNT = C U Now Transform

That four letter word used to mean nothing, and now it means something. It is a word the vibrates my bones into pleasure and purpose. It is a word that lives within.

I had the best week, first let me explain I had a migraine for seven straight days and had to call out of work twice. I spent new years praying for the pain to stop and to have my life of service back. I was so mad I punched a wall to try to stop the pain and I did for a whole ten minutes before it returned and my hand swelled to purple. Sounds great huh!? 

I did something about it, I called the chiropractor and decided to try something more than just meds to alleviate this crippling pain. Happy to report a pep in my literal step returned, yet the best part is when in service and my head got grabbed I did not need to wince in pain, I was fully hot and horny without head pain. With three years of this I have been losing hope of ever gaining back my masochistic side. I'm still on the fence that I will ever fully get it back but I made a move.

See cunt is a compliment when it is uttered by the One I serve in purpose. I am hoping that a part of me is returning and right now this cunt has hope, be it small and scared, I have it. 

A desire to bestow contentment upon the Maker, according to the size of its desire - that desire is the slave's core. 

Be it beauty in the eye of the beholder.

Growing in the garden and giving in the moonlight.

Defining flexibility, elasticity, variety, and durability. 

Harnessing the dark deeds in twisted tales.

Vanquishing doubt and delay.

Zestfully plunging the throat to an airless passage.

Can it truly be?

Too many times has this road been driven to the dirt.

Years have passed and the road is new.

Knowledge gave growth and gain.

Light has captivated slave's heart in a trance. 

Master of might I see His skin and soul.

Need is in all.

Silence is sacred.

Adept to His desires.

Playfulness created in games.

Tearful at times.

Knowing its mear tears excite.

Revered in intimacy and intensity.

Sexual chaos caged in celibate truth.

Transparent to the other yet shaded to the world.