eved

4 years, yes lucky number 13 for me means 4 years of sobriety and here is too 4 more years! And yes, it is the 4 month and 13th day of the Hebrew year!!!

Sober from - Anger, Depression, Hate, and a purposeless life. Treated with alcohol and drugs -street and prescription. Yes, sobriety is about healing the pain so many try to numb themselves to.

I have Reba Macintire's song Fancy blaring and a smile on my face; and yep, still naked.  I was born plain white trash, yet my castle is king. I have to share a moment of clarity I had recently. These last two weeks at work much has happened and all of it technically good yet when you have to be the strength that has 3 individuals placed in care against their wishes you feel like an asshole. The weight of this finally weighed on me and I let Owner know I was not in a good place. The hint was for Him to not come over.

Well, His happy ass strolled in. He said to stay laying down and just crawled up in there with me. I turned into a frozen human popsicle unable to process or even contemplate what the fuck was happening. It felt like hours, it was probably five minutes, and I finally had the courage to say I did not understand what to do. He kindly just held me and said I was alright.

Now I am going to stop and explain, this is how much I do not know how to express emotions; however, I was able to tell Him I was sad and confused with what to do. For me this is like level ten of ten, I admitted I felt human. I was in fear if I felt human, I would negatively impact Him.  His kindness and patience in this situation had an impact I can't narrow down into a word. As the evening ended, I held Him and thanked Him for coming. 

The winter is in full swing, and somehow, I ended up naked! A couple weeks ago Sir decided clothing is no longer a thing when it is home. The first day I was just cold and not truly paying attention to the oddity of being nude. After a few days I can say I was fully aware of my nakedness and my dislike of it. Not for the reason you may think. It is not about ‘oh i wish i were skinny’ shit, I wanted my clothes on my naked little body. And you light your menorah butt naked and see if you are not fully self-aware!!

Why, probably because He took them away. I like my skirts and sweaters, so I found myself excited to attend appointments and have to wear clothes! I did not care for that feeling at all. I love my home and not being home is not something I seek out. I seriously got happy to have my period so I could wear underwear, what cunt says that shit?! Yet, regardless of His physical presence it stays naked at home and focuses on obedience over ego.

As you are all aware I have Migraines, yet my last neurology apt and new doctor said maybe not. Seriously, there are headaches caused by the spine from damage like car accidents, which I have, and I have probably been misdiagnosed for years. I am happy to have hope of an actual understanding and possible help, it is a real sense of relief. On that note bless the Eastern medicine of massage and acupuncture. I went to my chiropractor, who has been the only source of help for the last year and walked in for a massage next. Shit moved that I am pretty sure had been stuck for years and yes it hurt to do. I need to regularly and financially figure that part out but now I know my muscles need some movement and dam to the Eastern trained know more than us Westerners. 

So why did I just switch to migraines? Because I see my whole health in serving. It’s not words, a small act, a session, a play time, it is my 24/7 life. I need to understand how to take care of myself so I can take ample care of Him! My existence is wholly focused on being centered - why? When He walks in the door, I expect me to be present, not surprised and stressed. I want Him to feel free and capable of relaxing. 

It is the fourth day of Chanukah, and I have watched all four renditions of Adam Sandler's famous SNL song. I have consumed more potatoes than a normal person but being a Jewish Irish mix it is not enough. I hope your celebrations are blessed no matter the form or foundation, just be blessed!

Next year this little #slave is off to Hebrew School - it is a thing for conversion - and I am excited! AND my oldest is bring the kids here in 2025, AND AND my youngest is celebrating the big 27 with me here, AND AND AND I invited my Dad to meet his youngest grandson and we shall see if he can make it. Yet did you catch all that? Seriously I am so grateful my children and I are close and find one another to be a safe harbor in the sea of life.

Yet before this year took a wrap I walked into my bank and said I need an adult! And my banker sat down and explained what the fuck a credit card is, compound interest, why paying off a card is actually worse than making worthy payments and keep it rolling, and how to roll 401ks together! And I understood!!! Seriously I'm getting so fierce and solo its dangerous. Or is it? You know my young co-worker all of 32 gives me advice and we are both learning to live in this world alone and I build her up when she has doubt so dangerous no but strong, yeppers.

For some this beckons an end for some they see a beginning - I see both.  I have gained much insight and found what used to be walls became a simple walk around. I know more will come my way and I am ready to tear down the mountains and even climb to the top.

#happyhanakkuh #eved 

EILU d'varim she-ein lahem shiur - Hebrew Pronunciation

These are the things that are limitless - English Translation

There is no greater joy than the resolution of doubt! Pain dwells within insecurity whereas joy dwells in connection. I am gifted with infinite passion and tireless yearning in which I ceaselessly express in service. The sparks in my soul have embraced this journey forward and lit a path at my feet. Though I dwell in a three dimensional existence my service far surpasses this realm of understanding. 

As my Owner fine tunes His tool box, I get to decipher the encryption. #eved is wielded by involvement and transformation. My mind stays focused on the present, as that is exactly what service is, A PRESENT! Bringing my purpose, meaning, and destiny to His power illuminates His crown. 

So, what is lasting, permanent, and unchangeable? Since 98% of the atoms in my body did not exist a year ago, it is definitely not my body. My brain is in a continual flux…did I run out of parts? Or do I have something left? The experiencer and the feeler are what remains, the I within - my essential self. My ‘I’ possesses the uncorrupted awareness of my purpose - the who and what I am is not temporal.  My distinctive, unmatched, and unparalleled self is all I truly have. With that said, the road I am on needs only the most valuable and important items - Owner and I!

Genuine power is a derivative of whole-system existential integrity. That is, when one is in total alignment with their own gifts and unique purpose only then are they in their true power. Being powerful means that one is strong enough to allow another person to exist and express himself. In that power my will is to to propel the transformative potential into actual reality - unhinged, unchained and free from constrictions as my deepest truth.

It was good, It is good, It will be good. Infinite goodness is #slavelife for #eved 

#chaya #uniqueoneness #will #power #freedom #soulfood #bdsm #dynamics #slavelife #aslaveinreallife #nolimits #limitless

I am gifted to possess a child like joy and innocence at this time in my life. Simply put, my evolution has removed the negative aspects of my life in such a way that I have no thought of returning to soulless existence. I crave no substances, no drink, however, I excitedly yearn for wisdom. I truly wish I could give my joy to my Owner and remove His own stress, and even though I can’t, I can damn well try my hardest to always be a place of calm and peace.

I have begun the process to be legally identified as a Jew (conversion), I have ventured into a new therapy to address the fact that my emotional intelligence needs a push forward (I do not like my Owner misunderstanding the meaning of my words), and I have accepted that my physical form has pain and it is something I have to accept and work around (physical pain is the release of a mental and I need to breath instead of fight). 

I took this last rest from writing to reading and growing. I have not stopped growing or reading yet I have learned the mind needs time to process to overcome our negative traits. See, I walk in this world mostly alone. I will never marry and have a home with Owner in a literal sense. I will end up in a retirement home before I ever see His. My life is on me, in every way. It is a gift and a weight to carry. I struggle with communication (seriously I do) and being unable to shoot the shit and have a random conversation. I am seeing this as a barrier in my service. 

Have you ever felt that for just a moment your Top was also blocked? I know when my Master is feeling drained and how I want to shake Him and scream shut up and listen your dam self! I know this does not sound so slave like, but fuck it hurts to see. He has guided me through so much and always been my rock and I think there is something I need to do for Him - and no its not let Him be in charge and silence me while beating me (even though his hits are loved Im being serious). As any relationship does, growth can come from any direction, including from the very object one owns. Maybe I want to return the gift He gave me - childlike love of life and joy.

Service has lost all connections to pretense, collars, and cages - this cunt needs no contract! The depth we connect at is untouchable and in that as much as I am his forever object, I take very seriously being His source of strength and safety. In this bond of service how I see Him, hear Him, and care for Him has shifted greatly. I would legit throw down to protect that Man from the world without hesitation. And see that is true service, when one can see the greatness and fragility of the one they serve and treasure it. 

I don’t need validation from man that He is my Owner, and that no other could ever take His place. I KNOW THIS FACTUALLY AND YOU CAN’T FUCK WITH THAT! Maybe this is why I have withdrawn to my thoughts and education - I have yet to meet another who speaks of their Owner in such a way. He tells me how strong I am, so how do I let Him see the King He is inside? My quest continues.

After too much going wrong, I am taking a break everyone. I am still me, I just need to take a time out.

A pattern not a problem emerged in the last few weeks. My words and my conscious intent have not matched. I am faced with a choice - they misunderstood, and fight back OR why does this keep circling in my life? Is it correlation or causation?

Correlation: connection between two or more things

Causation: the action of causing something

The answer is all of the above! This realization began a flood of memories all the way back to my very young childhood. I feel I am showing passion and dedication and the other interprets this as the act of a wrecking ball, I end up crying and wondering why people never understand me. This is a real issue I have. 

I feel like I have my associate degree and bachelor's degree and am being thrust into the doctorate program without warning, EXCEPT this time I am not trying to fight or convince myself I am innocent. I truly am seeking to grow and understand why communication is a crippling issue in my life. So, I called a therapist, because instead of walking in saying ‘they don’t get me in and let me show you how I am right I am asking to see deeper and understand the impact my words have on another’. I am not angry or even defensive; I am confused and concerned.

Growth as a slave will many times have absolutely nothing to do with sucking dick and saying yes Daddy; it means to dig deep and go into the dark and truly allow the Master to mold all of you. And guess what, the only way to mold a slave is to hold all of it - and that means the darkness we all carry in one form or the other. 

My communication has affected my dynamic at times in very negative ways and I do not wish that to occur again. So instead of saying it I am acting on it and making myself delve into a deep trench I didn't know existed until three days ago.

How does one confront issues head on, when what is yet to come is unknown? Maybe I should seek the headless horseman!? Now maybe that's not such a bad idea…..The rider of the 1800’s had a purpose, and he carried it out so well we still get immersed in the myth. 

My best moments in life were not planned, but unknown. I always felt like I was the other guy on the horse praying to keep my head. However as I have harnessed my purpose, I have seemed to chop my own head off, and it no longer seems to impede my ability to be me.

Recently the Owner and I have had an evolution of growth. I understand deeper what it means for me to be me, and He to be He. See we don’t do the intricate plan out a night crap and write contracts - seriously too much effort for both of us! He expects to be whoever He is in that moment and for me to embrace and treasure what is before me. 

As simple as this is when my head blocked my purpose the headless horseman taught me to just get out of my own way and ride free. On that note, time for some head!!!

It is my birthday weekend, and 47 holds much to learn ahead. I find myself pondering words and their power. As a slave i.e. #eved , it is easy for one to think I follow orders, obey, and that my actions are some thoughtless robotic response. Alas, one would be mistaken. Everything I do, and yes I mean work, family, friends, and purpose are one, these pieces are meticulously completed and done #FOR my Owner. 

The Owner did not arrive with a contract and neither did I. An example is the season of multiple celebrations ahead and the pressure they add to daily life. When I plan my day out, it is simple, I trust my energy - think like myself, a slave to my Owner - and I rock my world. I come home and instead of pressuring the Owner to have all the answers, I remember all His words and make choices #FOR my service to always be top priority. My gain is I am centered and joyful to serve after a ten hour day when He walks in the door. And my choices create a peaceful world in all aspects.

I do not do anything from obligation or feeling it is a need to do, what yucky reasons. I live #FOR my purpose and the Owner is the center of my life. The elevation and fulfillment in service only came when I understood this. On one side I am a mindless object in constant worship, on the other side I am a social work rock star, mom, grandma, and sister - my balance comes from the fact that my actions are #FOR my purpose alone.

 Who reading this has ever watched Southpark? If yes you know Carmon, the foul mouth little fucker whose mom launched World War 3 by trying to stop what she viewed as the corruption of her child; yet the war was only stopped when Carmon used the very thing she hated - his cursing, cussing, foul, rage filled mouth to not only put the war to end but his mom in check.

We can love so intensely we can destroy the very thing we try to protect. So yes, I am a foul-mouthed little fucker who can use fuck four ways of sideways with a smile and a college degree and win the fucking war. Yet I must balance this because my gear can flip to rage. This lyric 'You are what you love, not who loves you, in a world full of the word yes, I'm here to scream is rocked by Fall Out Boy - and what a powerful statement.

I love my Owner in the purest form, and everything I do either negatively or positively attaches to Him. So yes, I may scream but I am working on keeping my screams to purposeful needs and my love on Owner. 

Oh, how the winds of change can burn…The Owner is kind enough to point out that in October I become introspective on a yearly cycle. He is not wrong! I am made this way and always have been. When the fall comes, I look within deeply. If you keep up with my weekly roundup you know I have been processing pretty intense feelings of what comes across as loneliness. For my Owner who deals with it in person it's like stepping on Legos in the dark. I do not jest at this; I say this in a shameful truth. 

Just this week while I was reeling from my personal storm, my work world got flipped upside down and this past Friday I dam near took the head of my site to the union to bury the bitch for bluntly nothing much, but I can make mountains move when I want. When I saw this wave that I was creating the whole universe warned me to paddle back to shore and sit the fuck down. I then sat and cried my eyes out realizing I was mad over something I never expressed I thought of, needed, dreamed of, or honestly don’t know if I want. 

The buried deep below answer is not a want, not Him, not work, not anything outside of me. It's a truth that I have no fear of death in this world, I will rock it in the stars and live forever, yet living happily in this world is an unknown terrifying well and one I am afraid to drown in. I stepped back and saw the big picture, I was enabling a tidal wave of destruction to be created, one I would have survived - I always do - but I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE. I don’t want to win a petty fight; I don’t want to create a perfect storm anymore in life. I want to sea the world and enjoy the light.

So yep, had to admit to Owner that I stepped out of line towards Him (no I will not tell you are business, but I poked the bear and not in a good way). And not with an I'm sorry and background defense in the brain as He speaks but a silence of giving Him, His proper respect. Now I know and see that every Fall I like to see what is left standing, and now I understand I need to stop creating a storm to test my walls. I love my life; I love serving it is not ‘my purpose’ it is ME 100%. 

So yes, I can miss people, I can wish at times He would not leave, yet I do not wish a change in our lives. I will never hurt my family. How am I gonna do this, I am actually going to start talking more to my Owner and not once I let my 2 go to a 10, when my 1 gets alerted I need to ring the bell and seek the Owners hand. I must keep myself steady to balance my Man and that almost got off balance. For once the storm halted and the waves broke before damage took the shoreline. 

Like I said this is my real life, I learn every day, and this time it is all on me. Though I thought so much it was outside of me it was my shadow that was speaking, and I did not want to hear. I have something to work on as I turn 47 shortly and I take this not as a challenge, but a blessing so next October I can see the leaves fall and not feel the urge to start a wildfire.

All of the above, this is option D on that standardized test back in our school days. So how come as we grew up we forgot this option and think only A, B, or C is the way to go? 

Now you may wonder what the fuck I am even asking you, but seriously I sat with a client yesterday and as they listed their ‘only’ options, my brain was like option D - all of the above! One can be more than one thing and we overlook this fact every day.

I have spent many words explaining how putting ourselves in a sexual compartment on a shelf is a dangerous act and a disservice. I am an all of the above little creature crawling the Earth and I am embracing its beauty. An example is recently I addressed the truth that my life at times can be hard and when I have a migraine for a fucking month, and no one takes care of me I get moody as hell and tell the Master to stay the fuck away. When I give all day at work to my caseload and no one rubs my back, I can envy the life of a wife. When I miss my kids being kids and remember they are grown and gone I wish I still was raising my grandkids.

See the learning here is instead of going ‘no I can’t think any of that it makes me a bad, ungrateful, and a selfish slave’….I go ‘I can feel this way and still love my life while telling my Master to stay clear of the negative energy floating in my realm.’ I am not a bad person for wanting His time and I am trying to figure out how to handle this negative energy. I say negative because it is taking away from my joy.  If you think a sister is the solve, ask my opinion of some bitch in my house and you will find that it is not on the answer sheet. Or maybe just re-read that sentence and you can get the drift.

As I figure out what I am figuring out in service and sacrifice I encourage you to select all of the above in life and live in all your facets and faults while refusing to fall!

Yom Kippur is so important in Judaism the entire country of Israel is at home (except the IDF!). Viewed as the most sacred day I can promise nobody is writing on their sex blog, yet in my Israel (my heart and soul) I am because of that very reason.

I recently wrote a rather powerful four part blog entitled ‘Nailed It’ to address the reality that being me is a rough, brilliant, and bold road for not only myself but the Owner as well. Alas, we do not fit in - and for this I thank G-d. 

Love in action is the admittance, acceptance, and sheer will of continuance in my path. He holds the same truth, you just don’t hear from Him as I do. Let’s just say I speak for the trees 😂. To disguise our service in a world filled with silent wonder and spoken hate is a challenge we both have accepted. I will never hide! Nor does He!

So today, on this Holy of Holy days, Love. And I mean truly love your different neighbor, your obnoxious coworker, and even your hateful family. See past you and how you are not alone in this world even though you can feel it in force. Be you and be bold!!!

Happy Birthday Dinah! The Twin of her brother Zevulan (Jacob and Leahs last set of kids born) and little mention in verse is made of her but a woman who carries a piece of me in scripture. She got raped, yep that’s why we heard of her. We are taught for not listening we get raped! Thank goodness I grew up and figured out that is bullshit and misspoke scripture. Rape is an act done by man not by the powers above. Dinah goes on to be the grandma of Joesphs kids born in Egypt, kinda important historical fact. 

Like Dinah, most do not know me. They read some words and either feel me or judge me. To all those who have survived being crucified by MAN I see you and feel you. We are survivors not victims!!! Though our stories are perverted in human tales we know our truth and we did not deserve it.

 Happy Hebrew New Year! If the two calendars confuse you, I understand, but using only the Sun over only the Moon confuses me and this is my website, so yeah. 

I have crossed the bridge into another great year of wisdom and understanding. As so many struggle to see the beauty, I see so clearly nothing bugs me. I crossed the finish line, and I have my Owner which is a lifelong dream in real life. I do not know what will come this year and when Yom Kippur awakens this year I do not ask above for gifts and freedom from pain, I ask to see my purpose when I can’t understand what is before me. What I know after six years of life altering amazement is being me, fully me, has created a life I never knew could exist and that will never be taken away by me ever again.

To all who are kind enough to click my way…I value you, I appreciate you taking time to read my words, and I hope you truly find your happiness and harness your sexuality as the great gift it is!

On this day I am somewhere in the Pacific Ocean having a whale of a good time! The fun part of this is I am afraid of boat docks, water, boats, drowning in the ocean, and leaving solid ground in general - So exactly I took myself whale watching so a Humpback could high five my ass into another realm. I challenge myself to live in every way and that includes the panic attack of boarding a boat.

The miracles of everyday life keep coming, the baptism of my daughter into Christianity (yes, I am proud), and my other baby finding her trans way in a sea full of lions is epic. Enjoying my work that allows me to be a holder of pain for many as they find their way in this world is a gift I treasure. I am starting to be capable of reading Hebrew, which when you teach yourself another language for a few years, is something to celebrate. I returned to my birth name which is beyond words of how I feel again. I have a passport because I want one and I will see Amsterdam and Israel one day.  

I resolve to stop only self-doubt! #eved #blowjobblog #sadistsupper #dynamics #taboo #love #sexualfreedom