Weekly Round Up 2023

Why does a quarter of time equate to fifteen in a clock; yet a coin in one's pocket represents twenty-five? Is one greater than or less than the other? Neither outweighs the other - as is my judgment upon translation. Each has its focus; one repeats time after time and one becomes another and another. Yet to the man in the middle, holding the time in the palm of his right hand stands the man holding the coin in the left. To equate is to diminish, and this diminished equation is what I bring to the table. 

If I describe service in appropriate stereotypes it is easier for the reader to grasp. When I say I love my Master you may picture fear of reprisal as a motive or the reward of a trinket being bestowed. And if I say I love Him as my Husband then you shake your head in dismay that I have forgotten my place. Just as calling myself a slave denotes that I am a mere owned object that can be bought and sold. So WHAT WORD would mean —  I love my Husband, I cherish my Owner, I enjoy laughter with my friend, I value His strength as much as His weakness, I see His shortcomings and reflect His strengths, when He gives words of wisdom I see my father standing before me, and I feed from our dreams of becoming one?

Five years ago I did not know those feelings could all exist together, and today I face a question I can’t answer, with a word that I have not yet learned. Maybe in a language, I have yet to learn, such a word exists. Yet the disservice we do by only speaking of our One as an Object (Title) places them in a non-human form just as we use slaves to describe the one below. It has taken me many years to unravel what I have always known, that the depth I ‘serve’ in has many layers. Maybe Shrek said it best that not everyone is an onion!

As this world is braced for the 2024 change-over I have found myself yearning to grow for the last several months out of the protective layer I wrapped myself in so many moons ago. I can look at my own words and smile at the growth gained. I can also see just how narrow-minded I have been. I have placed a challenge at my feet to see the future and own my past without remaining trapped in it. This has created questions about what and how I proceed. And this, also I can not answer fully. I can say this, I am uncomfortable, I am scared, I am excited, I am happy, and no one will ever separate me from the One I was built to serve - even me!

 Looking through Absurdity

The folly of foolishness exists in all; one must be a dummy not to see. We tend to learn this lesson at the end, even though it began the whole occurrence. -eved

When we look at the paradox of the Master/slave dynamic, one often asks where the one begins and ends. What if the answer is simply - they don’t!? We all know The Story of O, yet, that story said in the title is the simple truth - O, is a circle of continual neverending connection and evolution. If you are not keen on BDSM then look down at your wedding band that comes with the promise ‘I do’ and see how it also never ends. If you are into stereotypes go grab your collar and see the circle wrapped around your neck. If you like a good movie reference here is one from Backdraft ‘You go, I go’....and the list goes on. That O seems to be everywhere!

Seeking connection in this form is equivalent to the title we began with. This yearning to bond with another so intensely that two become one can place you as the fool on many occasions. Let me provide a real example - once I sat in my circle with my fellow kindergarten class and bonded over books and naptime, then that became absurd as the class became consumed by individuality and attitude, this became absurd as entering adulthood I discovered the need for my circle and my differences, this to has hit absurdity!

I am driven to stand uniquely as myself yet teach generations their truths. 28 years ago I saw my first website called alt.com and was enamored that there were others like me (writing that in a sentence just made me feel way old). Identifying as a ‘slave’ from the get-go I was a judgy little thing and no Dom told me what to do, absurd right? Yet now I still see the same spirit in so many others - the yearning to connect and bond and completely clueless on what that means. 

Per 2024 trending topics: a ‘new’ phrase #livingaparttogether. I giggle inside because I have been doing this since 2018, and with a famous individual speaking out this is now a ‘trend.’ The harsh reality is this, I don’t wish to live alone. I do live as a part of the one I call Master in our home and everyday life. I do come home and see Him in everything. The reality is He does not sleep over and I have no knowledge of what His day looks like. Why? Kids and responsibilities are very real and in our lives, they are the top priority. I would never want children to wonder about their parents or be the cause of hurting a child’s soul. That does not mean it does not suck. I bet you thought I would say how freeing it is, well it is not. 

So let 2024 trend its truth, I will keep my truth - life as a slave is hard and children matter more than me. Keeping our families safe is my top priority. Because of this I will say with firm words - You touch my kids and family you will see me go from slave to slaughter!

A language masked in mystery and meaning. This archaic adaptation to modern language is part fantasy and part fact. Understanding the cipher is slave evolution. As a slave is not indentured in angst, rather one is using their crown to attain pure love. Boundless, timeless, and limitless are not mere words, they are hidden truths calling out to be heard. Without distortion and with perfect pitch every slave knows their individual mission and no one may impinge.

Every night I should be down on my knees, amen. My words are living legends within these walls of white and wonder. I feel like I am creating a new world with ancient needs driving me. What would it be if I was not the first of my kind but a soul of yesteryear who has returned to rekindle an old forgotten flame? How can I sit and fantasize 101 ways to die in service with a smile on my face? Do people see my costume concealing my mind as I walk the city streets?

I remember vividly laying in my teenage bed dreaming of Master. Earning my way from cage to creature. And even though my mind had its own interpretation, by God it happened. Here I lay as the creature in the night free from caged chaos, and demanding my dreams grow into a storm! I have placed fear in its place and my heart above all. I can no longer be disowned as Owner has staked His claim in absolution and audacity. I hear my God and no man shall silence that call!

First, Happy Hannukah! As my candles twinkle in the moonlight I took time to pray and speak my heart to the One above. I have progressed in this journey to the point that looking back no longer suits growth. I must focus forward and walk knowingly blind. What do I mean? 

I know my job, that is my purpose - to serve Owner. My paycheck and Job are very separate tracks. Which has made me see that I myself am a vast compartment holder that holds many parts. Let me explain. I finished my very adult book and by Gods grace its going to the publisher this week to begin the grueling task of editing - while at the exact same time I wrote a three book children series! I am not one thing. I am a multifaceted universe.

When I say 'knowingly blind' I simply mean I trust who I am in purpose, even though that in itself lives within the Owner above. I trust that my choice to believe in me is power, I trust that the Owner is exactly who is supposed to own me, I trust God knows more than I!

The moon masquerades as blue twilight to the eyes. As eved gazes within the hues of white, it wills a new world. What would it be if one could serve without fear of the neighbor? What could life be like to live its purpose? Why must I hide in the shadows as a sinner when I do not sin? The moon cried back in a wave of transcendence. It answered back and it answered as if seeing a fool before it.

‘What do you wish? Why don’t you wish it so? And why do you wait for me to do your work?’ Said the Moon.

Eved, startled and shunned, peered into the darkness and pondered the answers. In the shadows, she seeded her thoughts. Do I keep struggling with the world split into two or do I see the world in which I am one… this world is pure beauty and its power lies in truth. My truth, my dreams, my thoughts, my will, my purpose, and my heart. To only be 14 again, laying in bed dreaming of a world in which being nothing is something and Master need never leave. Before television or internet browsing could pollute the mind eved had already created her world to come.

Imagine a collective, a world within a world - an elaborate land, homes for training, fields for serving, Master by the multitude, and slaves in steadfast commitment. 

____

“Harnessing the power to be the best self. A supremely powerful tool rests in my hands. This belongs to no individual group, as knowledge and capability are within me, I must speak it out from within. Bringing the reactive to rest and my proactive forward lets me share this dream.” Eved whispers in its mind. The chaotic world sets the scene. Traffic was bustling, paychecks needed, and distractions daring to steal the scene. “I want nothing more than to be curled up on the floor awaiting the Owner.” This thought permeated eved. 

“I can see it, can’t they?” Eved questioned herself. You see the man working his day away, yet there is more to him. He is not just the employee, he is the husband, the father, the owner, and deep inside all that is he. There is no cheating, mistrust, or duties ignored. After all, he is human. Eved existed to serve the ‘he’ that the world does not see. It is a little sinister and dark, but she treasures being in his shadow. There is no grand home, dungeon downstairs, or trail of slaves latched to the walls (even though that would be awesome). There is a home, and his home, yet they are his homes, and she resides in one.

‘Doubts be dammed!!” Eved screamed out

“I have no cage, no chains, no collar, I fucking graduated from that long ago. So why do I struggle to speak what my heart holds?” Eveds mind swooned back.

The home is easy on the eyes. There is His bed, perfect in making with burnt sheets that make her laugh that this is exactly why she can’t have nice things. His television is tuned and ready, a bookshelf that would make the library jealous, music for every mood, and basic needs are at her disposal. It surely does not look like the dungeon master lives here - but He does. It is His home and it is her purpose. What is serving if not to feed the very need that gives the Master strength to go about His human day? 

She ensures her nails are done, her body is healthy, her skirts are short, and her tits dangle out. Treasuring every scar, as the count is now counteless, upon her flesh. “Oh, my scars are beauty. If I could only show them off without someone calling the psych ward. Oh wait that is only in America, I bet I could rock the shit out of my scars in Amsterdam and get compliments!?” eved laughed to herself. He has removed tattoos via cigarette ash. He has marked His creature cunt as His - He does not share.

One must be certain that the service is orchestrated complications, yet it is simplicity at best. He can simply enter and have its full attention. Without a word spoken, He is served and worshiped in the mood and manner He so chooses. Sadistic to soft, a toilet or a tongue, He lays back and scrolls as she seamlessly senses His needs and fulfills them. He does love seeing me get excited to be His toilet. It is a challenge and I don’t lose! His bladder is bold enough to release and knows not a drop will be dripped. She is a little selfish over this joy, and she is not afraid to admit it.

Can you burn to the flame while taking your mind above that matter and feel nothing but His cock is buried deep in your throat? I can. Sometimes I flinch, yet as quickly as I may flinch I can correct. At times I can tune in to nothing but a word coming from His lips and get so lost in the power of the sound that pain disappears. That one time I stared at the word ‘master’ written while being chest whipped, I wrapped myself in the word and lost myself in knelt service…it was wondrous.

I know it has no sound of complications, contraptions, and cages. Service is not about being restrained it is about self-restraint. It is not easy, it is not hard, it is me. 

#eved #kabbalah #dynamics #BDSM #SM #relationships #love #livelife #blowjobblog #rawwar

"I have on my table a violin string. It is free to move in any direction I like. If I twist one end, it responds, it is free. But it is not free to sing. So, I take it and fix it into my violin. I bind it, and when it is bound, it is free for the first time to sing." - Indian Poet and Nobel laureate Rabindranath Tagore

The importance of being bound to my Owner surpasses the connotation of purpose.  Only when I am truly bound to Him does my purpose equal fulfillment.  I have spent my life dreaming of the man who I would call Owner.  He definitely was not the 'what I thought' in appearance, he did not take me and give me a dungeon dream, thank God! 

He teaches me the truth of being bound in service, pure of heart; He gives me strength, by demanding deeds; He protects me in all, even when I cannot see. I know He sees my ebb and flow of frustration and joy in living alone. I also know I enjoy my home being my sanctuary and the idea of some individual living in my home shudders down my spine. Nothing personal but I like my peace and avoid people.

My dream came true when He came into my life. My purpose became real, and I am extremely protective of exactly that. Our dream is one, I am a string and He the bow playing out His dreams. Yet our dreams have a core, safety in self.  My heart follows His in want, and we all know if He wants it, He gets it. I also know what a challenge it would be for me to trust a female in my home. Maybe it will never happen, that choice is not mine. However, the point is I am free to say such, feel such, and be honest.

An Owner may play His muse, yet if the strings are wound to tight, they will break, and the tune will never take. He knows just the pressure to apply, the chords to play, and when to rest. I will always be bound to Him as only than am I free.

Your feet will take you where your heart is....

#eved #kabbalah #dynamics #BDSM #SM #relationships #love #livelife

What if being the firstborn has no bearing on birth order? To be the firstborn is to have the ‘preference’ while carrying the connotation of a weight being added - you are the one who coins the phrase ‘to lead the way.’ I have often found myself in life sitting in the first chair and wondering why. I did not request the position, I did not seek to win the right, I have been ostracized for holding this place, yet there I sit with everyone watching me and motioning in my steps. They call this ‘a natural born leader’ and leave to the wayside the solitude of being the firstborn. 

One can read my website and think of the wonders and wish for my crown. I warn you to know this crown is heavy and solitude is a sacred sacrifice. Do you protest and say I am not the firstborn? Is there another? Maybe there was or is…no where I look do I find a slave living as one, giving their life to another without gain or reward to speak of. I do not speak of quantifying me versus them, as there is no such math. 

My day is simple yet holds a complexity. I awake, shower, shave, and head to work…return home, shower, dress, and hope to serve in the flesh and if not sleep in peace. There is no bestie waiting at my door. There are no phone calls. There is no girl's night. There are no sleepovers. There are no date nights or even dates. If I attend a ball game I go alone, If I see a concert I sing with a crowd of strangers and return to solitude. I receive no gifts on my birthday, and I celebrate no holidays with traditional scenes.

I chose this. I chose me, and in that, I chose to be what the Owner so lovingly calls being ‘available.’ At times this weight of being the firstborn is crushing. Once upon a time, I can remember with fondness staring out the window waiting to see His car turn the corner. I could count exactly how many times He came and how many He did not. I do not stare out windows any longer and track is over. Why? When I stared out the window, when I counted His attendance my fear of Him not returning was running the show. Now, in confidence, I sit in the first chair and face the truth of being the firstborn.

To exist as an object and servant while at the same time being completely independent of the Owner sounds paradoxical - and it is - and it is my purpose. I sit in the first chair seeing families laugh and celebrate seasons as if I am in the passenger car and life travels by the window in fleeting moments. I look, at times it hurts, and I wrestle with my thoughts. I do not wrestle with the question of whom I serve, I do not wrestle with my purpose, I wrestle with how we are designed to dwell amongst one another and how my purpose seems to go against the grain, I wrestle with the truth that if we did share a roof what we are would be lost. 

As a firstborn, I have no other to grab onto and say show me the way or hold me up so I do not fall. I get to learn by doing…tripping…stumbling…succeeding…evolving…and putting that on repeat into infinity. However, this carries the weight of what is acceptable and unacceptable. The paradox returns. Before one pictures me losing my cool, understand I am naturally calm and quiet, it is when I become silent and still that my cool is being tested - me screaming is of little concern to those who actually know me. I have to find the way to ‘lead the way’, which somehow being the firstborn means I do both at the same frozen moment in time.

#eved #slavelife #aslaveinreallife #sadistsupper #blowjobblog #dynamics #BDSM #SM #Owner #Sir #Master

There exists a time when the two are intertwined so as to strengthen one another instead of negating one another. - אלי ויזל

What if all your thoughts are valid? How can positive and negative each hold their own? How can restriction be a building block? Why does purpose at times feel like a job? Versus a gift?

Thoughts, the light bulb that appears to flicker on and off through the day. We are taught early on to dismiss, fight, and ignore the intrusive thoughts that contain a negative aspect; while paradoxically treasuring and savoring the positive as grains of wisdom. Recently my thoughts have been swinging on the pendulum between the two feeling as if I am being sliced in half while the cadence is counted down. 

My birthday brought about a whirlwind that is more comparable to a storm front with a tornado warning to follow. There I sat in silence suffering, scared, and screaming. As negative thoughts filled every crevice of the mind I fought it back demanding positive. Alas, I did not win. I have done nothing wrong, I have rebuilt my life, I am honest and true…what the fuck!? I need to be alone. And in that I made it so.

I asked my Owner to not come around and He respected that request. I refused to cry, why should I cry for myself - what ego is that…and the list goes on. I was and still am recovering from a crippled life-long mindset. I would love to be able to wake up and say okay from this day forward only good will come; yet this is false hope, that is not this world. I wrestled with the negative thoughts and hated myself for it.

Remember how in the beginning I asked how does purpose at time feel like a job? This was the anchor I was drowning on. That night after all the shit that happened at work, it is not that I did not want my Owners presence, my shame was and had consumed me, and that I would not have Him bear or see. When I got a ‘corrective action’ at work that day it was false yet the power of words it was written in was screaming I am one corrective action away from termination.

My home gone…again, homeless…again, and unable to serve my Owner again…these thoughts consumed my very being. Why can I not succeed? Why won’t the correction end? Why can I not serve my Owner in full? I am still thinking about these very questions; however, the framing evolved. 

Days later I did see the Owner and yep He assured me He would not let me be homeless again, He did not question the validity of the write-up. And even in that I nodded and without hesitation, I said I pay my own bills and it is not Your issue. Which is true and false. I am His issue but I will fight to the death before someone convinces me He pays my bills, even Him. Why would such a kind act be so vehemently opposed? Why would it hurt my soul more than help? Why do I know my response hurt His soul too? He said not a word negative back.

Because I know, just trust me. I don’t wish for Him, God, or me to see a reflection of a failure in the mirror. I have spent three years rebuilding my life, I have served Him for five, and God has been watching from day one. When we hear someone say ‘three years’ we can think that is a long or short period; when you live it you feel everything inside and those memories cut your soul wide open every time they are remembered. 

I have to admit I do not feel safe. I am one paycheck away from the streets. I am limited by my choice of jobs due to not having a car. I want to publish my book and not have a drop kick to the face from the universe as a reward. I want to serve my Owner in full, in all, and for the life of me, I can not seem to break through. It is like I have the anchor wrapped around my ankle and even though I cut the chain off it still keeps hold. I have grey hair and I feel like I will never get to serve my Owner in this life. 

I am bombarded by restrictions, the whys of why, and the fence that keeps me corralled in a corner. Well damit I want out! Do not mistake these words for depression, that I am not. Do not mistake these words for anger, that I am not. Do not mistake these words as defeat, that I am not. These are true, valid thoughts that exist and must be heard-know one admits these truths. These are the missing chapters we never find until we allow ourselves to be whole.

Being a slave is a job and it is a gift. There are days it comes very naturally and there are days I have to fight to keep it. I am His strength as He is mine. This world will always get in the way of my purpose, that is after all the job of this world. However, I see now how if I do not acknowledge this side of me I can never truly come full circle.

What is your biggest turn on? Your bees knees? Mine is simple, yet so complex, it is comfort. I talk about a sacred secret when I say comfort. It is like finding the Lochness Monster with your lens in focus and three witnesses just happen to be there to alleviate any doubt. 

In any and every relationship the word comfort defines its very shape. Let me provide a scenario to bring clarity - At work I am straight arrow, data processing, housing wonder, because I trust my co-workers to see the face I show the world. In circular logic no one knows me at work on a comfortable level. Heck even you reading this right now only know what I let you. 

Yet within my purpose my comfort grows daily as does Owner's. The other day this came to light as I could feel the other relax into me. It was the emotional equivalent to the excitement you see in people winning millions. So often we forget that we ourselves keep the curtains raised and praise ourselves when we allow one curtain to drop - well I did this for you to follow and see how great I am - and completely discard when the Man drops a curtain - with a it is about time.

I swam in the stars that night being happy for Him! He won, He felt safe, He showed another side of Him, and yes I won to. I am still swimming! Too often in dynamics the brag is a collar, well fuck that collar, my King could wear His crown. So how is that my bees knees? I feed from my Owner in all, and His comfort allows me to grow - circular logic is the key. We grow together it is the only way it works.

Mastering service of the heart is a deed. To subsume is the embodiment of the act. - #eved

A unique calling, we all have one, and I know mine. I do not 'lose myself' to the Master, I BECOME ME!  Yes, my existence is all about the Owner, it is my purpose. When I placed the shattered pieces of my life back together, through serving, I arrived at a level of joy that penetrates the very atmosphere.

When I say no-limits, I mean NO LIMITS. I assimilate to my greater purpose. I embrace the gifts I am granted by serving.  I have dreams that are enveloped by Sir and He brings them to life with me curled at His feet in worship.  I have been bitten by the wily snake of selfish focus in service and it just about took me out. Yet now that snake is caged, and I am free. 

The circular logic in service is simple. He feeds me and I feed Him. It is the never-ending story.  Recently I spent the eve curled in worship and my mind was not focused on the end, it was in the moment, fully engulfed in service. The electricity between flesh and soul was on fire. It remained upon His seed filling this cunts belly. The feelings I have towards Master are not fleeting - meaning His physical presence is not when they exist, they exist in all moments and all seconds of everyday.

My vacation is almost ending, yet in that a new beginning. My dad and I have bonded and discovered this apple did not fall too far from the tree.

I miss my Owner greatly. I hurt when He is not near. 

During this time, many adult conversations have happened, from taking my dad to organize his final wishes to support my own child in trusting in her marriage, her purpose, and venturing out on her own away from the family as a good thing. 

My job being a mom is not to keep my kid at my feet, it is to remind her she joined in union with her husband. Her life became his life, and vice versa. I reminded her that a home that needs some work is more valuable than a home pre-built by another. My grandfather built his home and family, and that is real life. We do not start out in life done with life - life is a work in deed every day. 

That same truth is mine as well. I have applied for other jobs; one may be lateral or upward, yet God could say no and tell me to sit still. I may want it now, but again, God chose. I do not ask to be given what I want in prayer; I ask to live my purpose, and He answers. I have learned to trust and feel the joy and frustration in it. This is what I recommend if you wish to grow.

This is the part where you ask about my Owner. My Owner makes my decisions in life. I present my options, and he makes the final call. So do not question what is very simple - I pray, and through the Owner, I get the answer. We are one.

Where do I begin? Oh that question is so deep I don't have the space to answer. This is what I will share...

Learning your roots, hearing your family stories from all sides, and embracing all the positive and negative are required if one wants peace. One side of my family's story is divorce and addiction, the other side of that coin holds endless love and God in an unwavering bond.  My family is Jewish, Catholic, Christian, Baptist, Atheist, Jehovah Witness and Undecided. 

Sadly, I learned a family member lost his life to his sexual needs being so secretive he died alone. I felt his pain in life and his joy seeing me not hide. So many in this world hide who they are, there desires are left unsatisfied. What is desire? Do we have desire from nowhere? Is it wrong or is it right? In our day and age most will answer based on upbringing and faith. Too many times did I sit in my room and swear that Satan was giving me ideas and God was waiting for me to kill them. I could have been that family member whose life was lost to early on many occasions.

Yet here I stand teaching, talking, and guiding those souls trapped in sexual hell. Our desires are real truths, we have to figure out how to mold and make right, they are us. My sexuality brings no harm to another!!! I don't tell you to be a slave, I don't hurt children, I don't hurt adults of other faiths, I don't force my ways over your ways, and I don't care what church you go to. I live a normal, boring life to most, for me it is purpose and truth. Maybe you don't understand and that is okay. My desires and dreams are my purpose to understand and if you are reading this wondering how does she have such peace, that answer is simply God and several years of studying Jewish Kabbalah with my Master standing by my side.

I am having a wonderful time in small town America, where they don't lock their doors at night, and everyone waves as you walk down the street. My dad shows me off and I know how much that allows him to heel from 45 years of not knowing I was were alive or dead. My mom blessed my trip and said she understood and I truly believe she is able to heal herself from my coming here. 

Of course I miss my Owner. Yet this is life, it is not all perfect and in one little spot where you get everything you ever wanted. My world covers the world and family is who I chose to place front and center in my life. Even though part of my heart is hurting right now from missing Him the amount of joy I feel being with my dad is a gift and one I am wrapped up in. When I got here initially, I decided to move forward and publish my first book! As the editors and artist work away I don't pray for a blockbuster sale, I pray the words find the souls in this world who wonder if they are 'normal' so another soul is not taken from sexual desires; regardless of acronym.

On a final note...

I know the world is watching a war in Israel and hate is filling the airwaves. I will not tell you a side to take because no one wins when people die before there appointed time. Here is what I ask with the war - pray it ends, pray we see one another as equal, pray for the soul not in war with the world but with their own soul.

In two days time I will see, feel, and shed tears I have waited 45 years to achieve. However, this coin has two sides. I have family who has turned a deaf ear to this reunification and are filled with fear. I have the family who is standing tall with me, as well as my ancestors above, that are overjoyed. 

So why do I feel like Yitzchak (Issac), misunderstood and everyone waiting for me to kick the aged parents ass down the hill?

Just like so many believe he 'just took it' and then bam got rewarded, it is so much deeper. He knew he had to bind himself to his father in the right way and was willing to journey where no others had gone - the top of the mountain. I have journeyed a long time and a long way to get where I am. And there is no bam, its fucking leg work and trust. 

This is that story of seeing beyond, seeing past all the former pain carried by the two souls I call father and mother, with my head held high saying, I see you both, now see me. While one wonders if I chose him over her the other is grateful to know I even exist. They both love me and I them. I refuse to choose between them as I choose them long ago to my parents.

Just as I choose my purpose in serving my Owner - that mountain to the left having a face off with the parental right - is one I also choose to climb and stand. Yet avoid seeing me trapped between the two, for the valley beneath connects the two.  That is mine, it is my heaven on earth. Even in that He holds happiness for me and is sitting on the sidelines the next couple weeks while I reconnect a broken piece of my soul.

I was made as this great connection between waring families and it is hard to know that your siblings will not love you in this life. Choosing me did not mean thwarting my needs above family, or the Owner. It meant seeing the past, present, and future as one and how every little thing I do can make a difference. 

My Owner is showing selflessness in this time, without a pout present, even though I know He will miss me. My kids, one weary, as she has had evil ideas placed in her head about grandpa, and one yelling rock on, because he himself had not had me for 22 years.  My grandkids clueless to what is taking place currently, yet are being silently taught to see beyond and truly love thy neighbor.

Yes, I am worn by these years of a battle I did not start, but I am going to finish it. This hate that corrupted my family ends with me. I will not tolerate hate and if you happen to choose that road then I pray for you. The one thing Yitzchak reminds me is this - have no fear in binding yourself to truth - be scared, be tired, and be weary of those who will tell you that your travels hold no purpose.  

Shalom

The Me became We

There is no distinction between the goals of these two words. Separation and union are achieved by transforming contrasting phases that sever or unite. On this eve before a holy night in the Jewish community, the word ritual comes alive, yet this word can destroy just as simply. I have talked before about the meaning of rituals in a relationship, how great they are, and how auto-pilot they become when we do something ‘to do it’ instead of ‘to feel it.’

Before you go all deep into this, let me make it even simpler. Do you guys want some coffee? Are you the one who wakes and makes the coffee, or are you the drinker who consumes the gift? One day, if the relationship becomes tarnished between the giver and the receiver, the coffee pot is a duty, and consumption feels like guilt. Let me make it more complex. What if I, the female, look to the male and say ‘I am yours’ promising my ever-lasting unification? Did I go feminist, or did I step out of a box and say I know my place, and it is at your side? Did I violate some rule because He is married to another? No and no!

Understanding the diversity of roles in this world means unseeing the constraints placed by humankind. I give far more than I receive in my existence and purpose in the material form, yet spiritually He gives far more than I. Wait, you can’t take that to the bank, or can you? It is really fucking hard to be in a world based on money. This is where that ‘M’ becomes a ‘W’ - A liberation from the tyranny of this world, and peace is restored.

Me is not burdened by, you guessed it, me. I flipped it around and embraced the We, which guess what, still contains me. We call this coming full circle. Seeing outside ourselves to let another in means you need both. I can do rituals until they are memorized and so routine they have no passion, or I can live and create meaning in everything I do, turning it into a ritual that stands alone. But ritual means repeat?! Yes, yes it does. So what’s the ritual? I wake up and choose to love the man I came to this earth to serve, without shame, and with great strength.

All acts that follow that waking choice are the deeds that show its value. Writing this right now is a deed, making wise choices that keep me and him safe, and it keeps going. So why did I mention the Jewish holidays? Because I am Jewish, and fucking proud of it. Because G-d made me perfect and made me a man to love and serve in my life here. Because I worked dam hard to find my peace and purpose, and I chose that over how many followers my website may or may not have every day. I speak because someone needs to see and feel these words. I love Him because in my heart, He is mine and He is Me which became We.

As I stand here with tits dangling and my Boston Red Sox on backwards rocking out I will say this...challenges never cease in this life.

It is Sukkot, if you are unaware, it is Jewish Holiday of great importance. Yesterday work was this wack-a-mole wtf. Short and simple have you ever watch someone just decimate themselves in anger? I did and not only that it was a reminder I have also done this. As I stood strong knowing I stayed clear of the drama I still watched someone fall and that sucks. Then later when I spoke to the Owner, He expressed His pride in my growth. See old me would have been steering the dam ship, evolved me is like nah I like my rock over here, you all go without me.

I have decided to brave my soul and go further with my writing. I am officially writing my first transcript of the book I have been writing for two years physically, yet a life-time in the making, and it is exciting. It is also intriguing to see what I wrote two years ago and how today I have evolved, yet in that I am not changing the evolution of my book - that's the fucking point of the book - evolution!

I am also just a couple weeks away from hugging my bio-logical father, my blood, my soul in this world and I am super nervous. I am going to cry like a baby and stare at the man who made me in wonderment.

 Sustainability

14 letters that appear simple in complexity and hold your six harness the energy of this word. We love lingo and #sustainability is in the current spin in society. When I hear this word, I think of advertising giants saying ‘this is the way’ with its polar opposite institutionalism standing right by its side. Time is the key of balance with this two-edge sword.

In my life as an individual, in my life as a parent, in my life as #eved time has become a living breathing energy that never ends. And due to this understanding, how I act in my deeds has forever been transformed. I once said ‘It took 40 years to stop running track’ in a blog, yet all of that was just the seed that allowed me to today, at 45, to say that #TIME I no longer fear, for it is now my friend.

My thoughts and concerns are focused on the #moment and pardon the play on words but #payitforward. In my purpose, as a whole, all of me is wrapped up in understanding me. It is looking at the Owner as He. In just a couple weeks I am meeting my biological father for the first time in my life and this time last year I was also weeks away from being reunited with my son after 22 years. Did the Owner do this for me, yes and no!

He held me through my darkness, He gave me the tools to look within, G-d gave me my missing pieces back as my energy became whole, and I did the leg work. Here we come back to that double edge sword…I am excited and nervous to see my father and at the same time a part of me is saddened that the Owner can’t be with me, physically that is. Yet, that is not the only pull in this adventure, my father is sick and it will claim his life. Do I thank G-d for giving me this gift of #TIME, or do I complain that it is not enough? Do I thank the Owner for the gift of growing or complain that He does not have TIME for me?

The answer is simple, I will enjoy every moment of #TIME I have been given and feel it all. I will share silly pictures and speak to the Owner everyday, I will thank G-d from the deepest realms of my inner being for being able to hold the man I act just like and look like before his energy leaves changes form. Thirteen beautiful energies formed my existence in this world and I am setting them free to exist in this world and help me become whole. NO I am not explaining Jewish Kabbalah to you right now, go buy a book.

Call it being a #pheonix rising from the ashes, call it positive #karma, I don’t care I call it understanding that #TIME is a gift and until you no longer fear what it is you cant be free to be #present. #Eved is growing up and I can’t wait to see how that evolves.

On a final note happy #YomKippur and go eat some bacon!

Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

Have you ever met the soul that you were created to exist with? What do you do when you meet and mold as one? What do you feel when unity becomes one? Who are you, when you become we?

I will apologize for the long drawn out tale I am going to tell yet I promise it is worth the read if you wish to understand the point. First, I must clarify what a twin is, for me, that is. My twin is not blood, we share no date of birth in this world, and our names do not match. When I think of twins in various forms, I think of a good Adam Sandler movie to that set of twin girls in my sixth grade class if I wish to smile. If I wish to ponder the differences I think of Kayin and Avel (Cain and Abel for most) or Peretz and Zerach.

My twin is the one I call Owner, we share a common goal a purpose. There is an uncontestable indication of unity without a sense of diminishment or rejection in enabling one another to achieve perfection in their role. Now that I sounded super smart let me break it down kindergarten style!

I will use Peretz aka the moon, and Zerach aka the sun as my example. Which one came first, well technically they emerged together with each other holding the way for the other one. They did not fight, the did not scream who’s on top, they shine in their times as equals, and technically speaking the Moon came first but only because the Sun said let me get the door for you. Sounds maybe like a dynamic if you will. 

Then there is me, the one growing and learning, yet again, to understand the dynamic’s of being in a true dynamic. I look to my Sun, my Owner, He shines so bright in my eyes and I put a lot of myself into making Him shine…However, me the moon, started fading into the background and began to feel lost in the dark. Let me ask you this have you ever been of the mind that you did everything for this person and yet you sit with nothing and wonder wtf just happened? No, well that’s great, I did! 

A little clarity, I literally run home to wait to see my Owner, I don’t really go places, I am a ‘home body’ as it is called, yet I began to get defensive in myself and defensive towards my Owner that I am not living but existing. When I asked Him what to do…He looked back and said what do you do back. UGH I hate that. But He is right. He did not close the doors He actually encourages me to do things all the time but me in my afraid to live state of mind am like nope, if I live it will hurt Him, that will separate us. And in all that staying home not to hurt Him I hurt myself in turn hurting Him.

Then I read these words “ There can be twins who were not born together. However, each one works on himself, so as to negate himself (so to speak) in regard to his chosen partner, and does not claim more for himself than the other has.” I read these words and my eyes filled with tears, my soul screamed, and my heart hurt. As I continued reading these next words where the official knee breaker “Before you embark to the pursuit of peace elsewhere, within someone else, seek it out in your place, within yourself.”

I am not just the moon for I am my own light, just as my Owner is both His light and dark. I have to face living, I have to face trusting Him with a final thread in my universe and it is scary, not in the I have every reason not to trust Him but I have every reason TOO trust Him. To become we I must flip it upside down and see me. I want what He wants, yet in my years of faith I can say not only did I realize I did not trust Him with that thread it meant I did not trust G-d and I did not trust me! Three strikes you are out as they say.

Well fuck that, I called a foul, grabbed the bat and said pitcher I am ready to keep playing. This is where I am at. I am at bat I made my call and now I sit with it and see what becomes, this is going to be on Heaven of a seven inning stretch. PS I am ripping out fear and it hurts but I have to become who and what I am meant to be. 

A completion of a cycle has occurred for me. As I was going past the vast ocean my body yearned to plunge in and get wet. My mind wanted to be immersed and explore the depths. Why does that matter? I can relay about 30 plus years of fear of water from a swimming pool to a puddle, the ocean was never even a thought.

That 'relief' of feeling 'safe' in water speaks volumes to the mental mindset of this object. Water holds the unknown, the depths untold, and creatures we write books about - and I want in! I see no fear but wonder what is.  I trust I can make the mark and swim in freedom. I know the shore and trust that even in the dark I can find my way home. 

 You lie awake, you have never quite shaken the urge to be part of something larger. Things that seemed the stuff of science fiction are becoming a reality. It is all happening now. You can't stop thinking about that strange light burning inside yourself that has now taken form. The voices urges you that something is afoot. The dream you have shared takes shape before your eyes with the one. Illuminated with the light of 600 tiny suns. Your dream has come true before your eyes. The possibilities awaken your core, your life, your purpose. Harnessing the fearsome power and taking life by the throat. This wonderous creation is the deepest expression of self. And it is safeguarded assiduously.

Inside Out

The voice that comes in words

The voice that animated your very being that pulses inside you

Which would you chose?

The voice that comes in words…today we call this text, yet it is every written word on rock to paper. Directions are logically satisfying. Next steps give way to future endeavors. Stories become realities. Jokes make me laugh. Research creates new insight. Yet, often I can misinterpret words. I will explain why shortly.

The voice that animated my very being that pulses insistently inside me. Quickly I hear passion and desire yet, ignore fear and discomfort. I generally call these ‘animal instincts’ when used in a negative context. In a positive context a ‘divine instincts.’ The voice of desire within self is natural. Whose voice is there? And is desire internal?

I don’t know who your guiding voice is, mine is my Owner. I have His words always and He is my  Jiminy Cricket. The Owner taught me the ‘Lullaby Effect’ of life. What’s that you ask? The stupefying effect of familiarity. That effect is a lesson in serving. Trapped by what’s viral and told by the masses what being property means. I could tell you stories from the alt dot com days of 1996 that would make you wonder if I have been body snatched in a close encounter of the third kind. 

Perceiving a deeper meaning has been…well let me give you a visual.

I sit in a chair, while handing the rusted, dull blade to a blind person and command to let the flat begin! Don’t forget the extra skin I need it all cleaned. Sounds perfect!

No, just no. Going deeper is not a spa day or playing an extra on Dexter. In 1996 there I was with my account, cool login name, and identity as slave. Any guy who did not fit the mold was block and delete. Not because they did anything wrong their first words I found boring and moved away. Seriously it was the bowl haircut of #slavelife in full color.

My mind was all lullaby’s and being lost. Fast forward to now and the lullaby’s have ended and my mind is wrapped around One. I can say all my thoughts are extensions of His. Before you do the ‘oh shit, she doesn’t think for herself’ fucking don’t! I repeat don’t! I physically live alone. I pay my own bills and I have a career. However, our home is just that, ours. He has a key and all. He does not pay the bills, but do not confuse money and responsibility of true ownership. I bust my ass for what I have, but when I need to cry, when another homeless life is lost, He is my rock. 

I choose both voices. It is the only way to harness harmony. If my instinct or power phone and I need clarity, the owner is a written word away. Only in balancing needs to have. I understood how to progress. Fun fact I have not looked at porn in roughly 2 1/2 years. I was exhausted. Seen the fakes in the unreal portrayal of being property. So guess what I gave it up. And now I’m happy. 

Making choices involves something objective. It involves figuring out when the right thing to do is what my master expects of me, and then align my behavior with that truth whether I like it or not. It’s the choice because good. In the world to come desire does not intrude on the train of the intellect I only see true and false, for good and evil no longer have purpose. I don’t see a desire from within for desire comes from without, and is built with my senses. My logic lives within in my heart pulsates for him. 

It has been a little over a month since you have all last heard me. In that time much has happened, including I almost ended this website. Let me explain...

I have been blocked by what is best described as terror. Last we spoke an almost dream like world was in my head, and one I want, yet when it did not come to form it crushed me. I have only been 'happy' when being a 'slave' as called in bdsm. Even though I find this term now generic it is the best suited at this point. The world of service to the One has always been my mind frame and honestly at 45 years of age I am tired of waiting for it to form.

I have faced fears in all that and as odd as it sounds that includes breaking free of family hate and buying a ticket to meet my biological father, and guess what! Within a moment of time of my mother hearing this she began an epic event to turn my own children against their grandfather. How do I know they called me 'to warn me' about what a bad guy he is. Funny my dad does not bash my mom, he admitted his foolish ways, but he had the proof my mom lied my whole life about who he is. So, instead of bashing my mom I reminded my children divorce is divorce and each side has their own opinion yet he is me and I he and at 45 I am done waiting. In that I will say Sheboygan Falls is about to get shook up!

You are probably asking how does that have anything to do with serving? Everything! My childhood formed my life and the baggage of pain I carry from never knowing the man I look and act like, let alone told he hated me (which he does not by the way) created a void within me. This creates a soul with hurt that fears commitment and trust. That can destroy the very walls we have been building these last five years of Ownership/service. With the realization that I can trust my father I realized I can trust the Man who has helped me form and come to life. Thats is terrifying in every sense of the word.

So, what of the dream world I speak of? Oh, it is real, I only knew one form and discovered if I close my eyes and look within, the world I am seeking lives within me. I am the co-creator and even though the timetable in my existence is not mine but His I am driven to dream alongside my Owner and create the world to come. With God as my witness my world is real and when the road is troubling, I will look up to seek guidance not grief.

When you sit sick, exposed by one’s work, you question what you are doing and why. I am a good social worker and through my deeds I have changed many lives for the better. Yet my soul is not well. The moment I was told I had MRSA from my work I laughed at Mars – a cold, desert, shimmered in red and the third planet. I have lived on Mars to long and last night with courage and respect I admitted to the Owner. I am not happy with my life as it is contrary to my purpose. To be blunt I will not share our words they are not yours to have. I will say it was received and heard creating a door to a discussion of the future.

When I look at my life – as me and ancestry . com  had much time to play during my two-week home stay from work – I am from countless generations from every end and there are too many ‘last’ names to mention. What I found was my life story as a golden string through theirs. Where they lived and died I have traveled, even my current last name was a town my family came from. We had royalty to farmers, and soldiers to servants. All this time I thought my life had been my own, like my travels had nothing to do with anything, and how wrong I am. My ancestors made me and my road, yet at this point in life I have created a bridge to cross that allows me to live what I am inside since I knew what I was at age 13.

I don’t fit in this world and that is fine, I don’t want rings and titles, I want to serve and I will.

Not all intellects and minds are alike, and the intellect of one man is not affected and excited by what affects and excites the intellect of another. Nevertheless, not every person is privileged to recognize their individual purpose within the collective world. The manner and mind are according to one’s own mental grasp and comprehension at a particular time. In accordance with my station, I serve with a crown a top of my hair, and never will I stand above the god I serve. According to the capacity of my heart is my world in which I deem my service superior and my dreams worthy.

Do not give me credit for such beautiful words. They are a summary of words from the Book of Tanya. I have discovered the more I read the older my book collection becomes and these words written hundreds of years ago speak to me on a level beyond words, they sing in my heart, with a truth unmatched. It is similar to when that song comes on the radio and you sing that one line like the song was written just for you – like someone crawled into your heart and pulled out words you could not gather on your own – it is power.

I have looked my whole life for me, and it has been weird. I did what most do – I am a mom, a daughter, a sister, a woman, a rebel, etc. I viewed G-ds words as ancient history left as a fable for reading on Sunday. Then I found G-d in me, and I came to life. I kept looking outward and never inward apparently the circle of life I treated like two separate entities. So, I put them together! Then I wrestled with sex, sexuality, and my true desires. This led me to a consistent flow of realizations that my thoughts are not bad and not good, they are me.

Today I sit in my living room with Mersa, don’t worry I googled and scared myself just fine, I have Mersa from community exposure i.e. my work made me sick. I still do not know if my liver is okay but maybe that is part of it. What I know is I should not google medical issues – we all die in the end. Today is an important day and one I can’t physically spend with my Owner, my God, and I am hurt not pissed. I am adamant about never exposing Him to illness and telling the man you love to not come over hurts and it is a pain I remember from times past. 

Being uncommon is normal for me. I am physically alone but there sits His instruments and His pillow is waiting for Him to come home. I am coughing and want to peel my skin off and have an express Lysol order headed over while I debate throwing out everything I own. I am left asking what I am doing with my life. My work is making me sick, keeping the Man I am made to serve away, and my heart is hurt. I wonder if this end is a beginning, one I do not see in full. I am not mad at G-d, and I am not mad at me, I am taking serious care of my health and making sure I do everything I can to be better. I need to serve because I am not leaving this world half done on my mission.

If you read this blog you think wow she can communicate. Let me stop you right there! I actually talk very little and if you want to see within my soul I can say this….

For the last 29 months I can proudly say I am clean. No alcohol, no drugs, no anything. Now let me tell you the flip side of this shit. Let us go back 41 months when I became an addict, I lost my ability to run six miles a day and a marathon for fun. I lost everything and yep that even means the underwear drawer of everything. So yeah I get clean with nothing but a pair of sweats and a pencil left to my name. Woot woot I got clean which is of course good right…

I in no way would relapse but while so many think it is because it is the other person in my life I feel I need to clarify some things. I am clean because G-d only does so many do-overs before your soul goes back to go and does not collect two hundred dollars. I got clean because my two beautiful kids and my five beautiful grandkids will not bury their drugy grandma. That pain will never be theirs to carry.

So yeah I went to therapy and forgave myself for fourty years of fuck ups and went through some hard truths that my bloodline does not define me but it is my responsibility to hold and heal, other than my kids I do this with thousands of miles between us. I have siblings whom I will never sit down to dinner with and ask how their life is, fuck if I could tell you my baby sister’s name – from what I understand she is married. My mom loves me but we are best facebook friends as more than an hour together there is an awkward silent fight. My dad (the guy who raised me even when I hit him with a car) has left this world and my bio-logical dad remains a new friend unmet and unknown but fuck do I act like him – haha he does not talk either – finally now I know where that quality comes from!

For 29 sober months, I have suffered from migraines, gut wrenching, mind splitting, crippling, and I want to blow my fuckingin brains out for just a little bit of release migraines. No I am not suicidal, Hashem don’t joke about that shit, and again my kids will never carry my sins. I have asked G-d why, I have meditated, I have cried, I have changed my diet, and I as of today I went to a fucking doctor. Yeah me my blood is good and as normal my blood work is of a perfectly healthy adult. Before this stent of headaches, I had intermittent headaches in childhood going all the way back to being ten years old.

Some say headaches are the way of a body telling you something subconsciously some say take drugs, I say fuck everyone. I want my fucking body back and my ability to be me back. ‘How is this affecting your daily health’ WHAT! THE FUCK is that stupid question even mean. I can’t serve I fear being touched as the slightest touch in the wrong place can paralyze my body, I call out of work because I can’t get off the floor, so I rate a WTF YOU DUM ASS as an answer to like I say it affects me on a level 1000 on a scale of 1 to 10. 

So why the fuck am I writing this down? Maybe there is another in this world who is in pain who thinks they are the only ones being trapped against their own flesh and dreams diagnosed with an alignment called medicine and prescriptions who knows their soul is tired of hiding and dying to live. Maybe I wish Dr. House was real and he could figure this shit out and just call me an idiot. 

Medical aliments can stop life in every gear and grind you down to nothing, never until today have I been told I ‘looked defeated’ and all I could do was laugh and agree. I am past defeat, I don’t fear death, I fear G-d enough to know I must stay strong, but dam if G-d could seriously give me a clue I am listening.

Hey, as the planets have aligned with the moon while I slept my mind has been wondering. My journey has been quite the evolution, unending, yet change has become a constant. I have been thinking and dreaming about the future.

Let me ask you, would you take your career, your lease, and your control and hand it over with the only contract being a truth of trust between two souls?

I have a career, of 12 years as a matter of fact. My resume is killer, my boss loves me, and my old boss wants me back. I have my own place with a lease and everything that goes with it. I have control over my paycheck and what I define as my needs and wants. I chose where my plates sit in the cabinets and what food lines my refrigerator shelves. I have ‘lived alone’ for over twenty years with no one to answer to but me.

If you read my posts you are aware I have been in a long-term ownership for just about five years. We are happy yet the temperature is changing. This does not mean displeasure it is evolution – things heat up. Discussion of my giving up my independence has been placed on the menu. My first thought was not what about me, it was more like what are you thinking. 

I trust my Owner and I mean far beyond kink and bullshit. We agree on most, yet most of all our beliefs are mutually sacred. I say most because we do have our own intellect and no they don’t have to match – what a bore would that be! I will not share the details of our discussion what I will say is no I would not be greyhound and I would be walking away from all my independence to truly serve my Owner in every aspect. 

It is fucking scary to trust a person in such a way. To trust I am safe in His arms is fear. To believe my needs will be met is a form of dependency. This isn’t easy, it is soul-searching, gut-wrenching, and throw your hands to G-d in pure faith knowing that if I follow my path I will be exactly what I am created to be. Now in this, the weight is on my shoulders, not His, not G-d’s, this shit is on me. So long in life did I point to whose fault a negative result came from I missed it was me for too long.

I am not afraid of a relapse, I work surrounded by drugs daily, hell the swat team was this week’s action at work. It is a part of something, which I have avoided for almost thirty years. Can’t break won’t I don’t join into right…I come from the most disconnected family one could imagine, I have never succeeded in living with people in any form, and now being a member of the family is a topic. I won’t say I have a negative feeling about this possibility. 

How I know that is when I found out this week that my coworker whom I absolutely can’t stand is leaving I felt no relief. Sadly, I felt a heart-wrenching thud of when will be my time. Selfish, yes, yet honesty is real. Still, I sit and ponder, still, I serve and hold my purpose at the forefront, and I fucking know G-d will back me when I am ready…I won’t lie to you or myself that fear is good and ends are beginnings.

The Pianist

“I’m ready”

“Ready, for what?” Master replied

“You asked what it willed to be, the answer is I am ready”

“Set the scene for me.” Master stated

“We will need Your piano, rope, and a strait jacket Master”

Soon after these words were shared, Master set the scene, and she appeared with her soul naked before her god. The wood flooring glistened as the rivets in the wood danced under the lighting. With the gloss of the blacktop board calling to her, she walked in purpose to transform into herself. She caressed the 88 keys as her fingers played with the rope and harnessed the jacket.

“Master, these are not to restrain, the flesh is weak, the soul seeks to sacrifice and it needs your power to be”

A silent glance, that looks as if flames have risen in his eyes, gives her the strength to lift the tools and bow before him. As the jacket slid around her arms, wrapping them from right to left and left to right, ecstasy enveloped her. With her arms unable to move, her breasts exposed and lifted, so she walked to the bench and laid upon the altar.

Master secured its neck at the rise of the piano. Legs opened with its clit above the keys and ankles tapered to the sides. Master stood at her head and looked down. He studied her eyes staring back and as a tear slipped from her right eye his hand gently wiped away the droplet and smiled. Walking to the face of the keys he sat and began to play.

The hammer of each key felt electric. Feeling the F-sharp, the A-major, and followed by the G-minor. Her eyes could see his song and her ears could hear his silent words. A calming air took hold and she began to feel the brush of steel glide across its clit. A crushing blow of his palm against her gift and she found purpose in pain. He felt peace. With several more strikes, he watches her body fight yet her words call him to be.

With a triumphant strike of the keys, as if to awaken Motzart himself, the vibration excited her and she cried to him “Please Master”. A sly smile arched his right upper lip and cold steel became burning gold against its flesh as she could feel the nerves severed and rebirth take hold. As her eyes welled in tears and salt-filled lips his hands gently retook the keys and played in the hue of crimson keys. A new song has been born.

Strength and devotion are words that get misused in the ego or they clear a path to purpose.

I can relay stories of strength - a single mom with three jobs while getting my college degree - now I ask was that strength in ego or heart? I can answer it was all ego! I would prove the world had no hold on me while I paradoxically was assimilating to the world standards of acceptable. My heart during those years was locked in a box 'doing what I needed to do'.

My strength today comes from using that box as a step stool and if need be, a high jump to remember I have shut my soul down before and lived with a crushing depression killing my heart and purpose - that is not happening again. Why? Nope, the answer is not my owner is all that and a bag of chips. I am the answer - my purpose - my life - my heart - my drive - my needs - my wants.

My devotion and strength are twofold. It is in verb form yet holds the ability to be a noun. I take my role in this world seriously. Not to change another, but to show that when we live as we are made to, we do succeed. It takes devotion to not assimilate in a world of labels.  I don't desire to force my life on anyone, nor will I judge yours. That is the key to my path and purpose with my ego in check.

 Purpose, mine that is, has been a never-ending journey. Be it 39 years, 12 months, or simply three days. December 2020, there I was with my ego speaking about the four horsemen of the slave apocalypse with vigor. I even picked out my own horse, the white one, and that horse said to own it right back. Our ideas were the same, yet the horse took me for a ride with my purpose and I have just finally attained the ability to share the reins.

That statement may sound like I am recanting what I said, or updating a new insight, and actually, it is true that this is the evolution of understanding your purpose – the answer is all of the above +. Three-plus years ago I thought I had to ride and conquer the horse to own my purpose. I even kicked out the other three horses! That horse, and the other three, waited for many moons to pass for me to figure out we were in it together. And with the patience of Job, the Fab 5 are alive.

Now this does not mean I get to sit back and be like cool I know my purpose and life is complete. Mind you I am riding with the horseman and horses don’t really do Netflix and chill. I have begun a new chapter, a new step, a new epiphany in the evolution of being one’s true purpose. So, what do I hold to, to stay balanced? I and all my parts and pieces I have spent years fine-tuning. It is my responsibility to question, wonder, and try – It is my duty to do this with honor and respect – to thine own self be true.

Mother's Day is a day we sit back and think about all our moms have given and done for us throughout our lives. 

In my life, mom has always been there. We may not always see eye to eye, yet at the end of the day, she will always come for me. Her being imperfect taught me to embrace my life as a mom. I am not perfect and my kids could tell you tales where I should have chosen right over left. What they will never say is that I abandoned them. They could call with anything and I would and will be there for them.

Being a mom and being the object I am purposed to be at times appear in conflict with the laymen. For a while, I felt conflict. As I grew, I grasped that my worlds are one, yet each does have its place. I think of life in a simple yet complex context. My mom taught me to persevere, my children taught to me to love without limit, and I took perseverance and love and made it one. 

My purpose is to serve out of love in all I do. This does not remove my personal desires from my heart. It makes them intense and I consider it a privilege to follow my path.

Not sure when I will post again.

 The purpose is to accept the ways, embrace the words, and implement in deed. Compliance is an obligation regardless of free will, for in my life, it is the natural order of things.

27 months ago, it is not The Owner who said a word about my sobriety, G-d more than happily stepped in. He was fully aware of my issues and watched the crash. A scaring occurred on us both. Today I can say there is still a remnant of the prior act that remains as a marked heart; however, we are standing strong.

I can say firmly I have no desire to relapse. Yet what does relapse mean? Does it mean only to use drugs, or does it carry a deeper meaning? This is a complex answer. It means alcohol and drugs in the literal physical sense. It means the psychology of addiction as well. I won’t bore you with a definition, this knowledge is well-known. Keeping my mind safe ripples to my physical form. If the brain and heart are not speaking I could easily fall.

Being sober means being aware of my why, which takes us back to that opening statement. Knowing your purpose and living your purpose are two very different things. Let us call it the North and South Pole. We need both, they keep balance. I remember my fall for very different reasons than The Owner. I can watch the big screen in my head and see how a phone call triggered fear, and how that fear morphed into my childhood reawakening with all the demons I had buried, but not handled. 

My demons and I know one another’s names, now, and don’t think they don’t enjoy stopping by to see if I want to hang out. Every time a choice is made to greet those feelings (yep demons are feelings when undigested) with an open mind and a true heart - I don’t fall, I think, I question, I meditate, and sometimes I even remember the moments I wish I could forget.

The reality is that any true dynamic takes effort, takes work, and takes heart. Yes, I am 'clean' for 27 months and honestly I don't care, what I care about is that I continue my purpose, and that is my daily fix.

"Each of us is a valuable and important human being who has come to Earth to fulfill a unique purpose that no one else can do as we are meant to do."

I sit alone, a lot. My home echos in music and at times I must confess it would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on. I don't speak much about this topic due to the topic. People judge so quickly and attack they miss the point. I am learning my life and how to live, and it is fucking hard. Yet, I chose this.

As we all do, I have two sides. The able-bodied independent me who needs no one and the softer side who needs a shoulder after a shitty day. Before I proceed, let me self-admit, I don't confide in most. For me to trust you are not going to twist my words for your own gain is a wound that started deep in my heart before I could crawl.  

Betrayal started early in my life, meaning birth, which tends to make a mind seal itself from danger and the heart quietly pound in silence.  I have tried many times to have a 'sister' slave and I can say it was not on me that this failed, yet those bitches kept that truth alive.  Now as life goes, I am still learning to trust but I face my inner self every day.

Not many talk about how hard it is when we make a choice that includes a difficult truth. Yes I could scamper off and go elsewhere, find a different owner, and I would be miserable with a shoulder to cry on. Who I am and what I am is my purpose and no the manual did not come with the commitment. 

The point of this point is for me and for all those who read this. You may feel alone and actually be alone in your purpose. You are unique and made perfectly. Stay strong.

Yada, yada, yada….I would like to discuss the three forms of a story, the Owners’ perception, the slaves’ purpose, and the outside world’s translation. Before we begin allow me to clarify how you will read the following words is the exact point of this post.

If you ask me ‘are you happy in your purpose’ you would see a slender smile arch on my lips, my eyes glisten, and a gentle nod speak. Does this mean everything I have done, been taught, or been given is unicorn and rainbows? Absolutely NOT and fuck yeah! I am stubborn, I am strong-willed, and I love a good mind game; however, Mrs. Jackson never lets me forget I like control. Does not sound slave-like, or does it? Putting aside the stereotype of the word slave, I will simply say I am a survivor and can’t be broken – that takes more energy than words can express.

Before you expect me to tell you what the Owner thinks, I won’t. I can’t speak for the mind above, what I can speak for is that four, almost five, years later He remains as do I. That speaks enough.

Now, do you expect me to explain how you view my purpose? I hope not. You could think I am defiled in dirt or a saint in sexuality. Either way, your perception is yours.

I have been messaged too many times with the proverbial ‘what if…’ fill in the blank with the most extreme activities you can imagine. I laugh and reply with no limits. I know some think I am lying, I know some see my scars of service and think she needs a therapist, and a few see my truth and know that what ‘I do’ is not the point. The purpose is that He knows I will do anything for Him with love. That’s the grasp of creation. It is held by us both and it evolves in the infinite. Limits create the finite and even though my human side creates natural barriers it is not only I who seeks to see how far one can go.

This week has been one that is best explained as Wow and WTF. My dad sent me a package and to see his handwriting for the first time in my life was an overwhelming emotion. Holding my grandmothers cook books with her handwriting left me in awe.

This was the Wow, the WTF is working with someone who masters being a bitch with little nuances. I would compare it to death of a thousand cuts. She is miserable and in turn hates seeing people happy and successful. It causes long days at work.

Serving is daily regardless. As such it morphs and evolves. What I try to remember is that even though two worlds seem to pull me apart I am me and my purpose be it bold or silent is steadfast.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

A famine tore our country in two and changed us forever.  In the midst of preserving the Irish way of life we were sold, most know this as the potato famine. What most forget is how many stayed right there in Ireland and said 'NO we will not back down.'  The one thing about being Irish is we love to hit the ground running. Our music is fast and hard. Our lives are about refusing to back down and fighting for our brothers. My ancestors did both, preservation and resistance. I thank my ancestors for this gift of fight and flight. 

I use these qualities every day in every way. Be it my red roots coming out screaming like fire ready to consume or the ocean air that surrounds my island and provides safety.  Let me clarify - my island is my home; this island does not welcome any passports and no your plane may not fuel up here. My fire is me and it is a powerful beast, yet you think I mean this in a negative context. I can stand up too much, just ask about the recent beating of the flesh. Yep, I can cry when beat, I am human, but I do not ever say stop.  My Owner knows how to handle my fire almost as if He created it Himself.

I am often looked at as if I never have a rough moment. Yes, I do. Again, I am human and in that, I am judged and questioned just like you. Being the odd duck who is like nope not married but in a committed relationship I get 'the look'. I say I pay my bills, and again I get 'the look'. Well, your fucking looks are annoying, and they hurt. I am proud to be me, I do not fit in and my life is complicated. This brings me back to the fight within to ensure my flight response does not strike the air in my ocean and start causing tidal waves. Being in control of my mind and heart means more. It means knowing my power, my pain, and my pride as one.

#SAMIAM #beholdlifesdoor #slavelife #sadistsupper

 Pain is the word that moves the S&M world through entrapment and fallacy. One hears the pain and quickly envisions some whips and restraints with the bottom begging to be punished. What is pain? When I faced the self-assessment of serving, I faced pain and there were no whips. 

Pain can be boiled down in two ways: 

careful effort and great care

physical and mental pain

Indeed, pain can mean the ‘absence of’, meaning instead of pain being a physical act, a kinky night, it could mean sitting alone with no toys, no distractions, leaving only you. Let me be blunt, when that first began, it was a pain this nothing was not appreciative of. First, I went through withdrawals – I had more hoods than I could wear in a week, I had dildos galore, I had outfit after outfit to dress up in then I had a spare room at my kid’s house and five grandkids to ensure grandma was busy with 3everything I had owned in the trash.

That year was a blessing but it felt pretty cursed when I would find myself wishing for my life back. This pain was one the modern world calls depression, yet it was not a depressive episode, it was a pain G-d gave and Owner allowed. I wanted my toys, I wanted my website up and running with profit, I wanted to be physically serving, I wanted my Owner to reassure me everything was fine, and since I could not get this I focused deeply on not feeling the pain, I did not see the gift. 

I know you think I came home and the toys returned. Well if you read my site you know that did not fucking happen. I have been home just over a year and guess what I have a few toys that collect more dust than attention. Why? Pain is the answer and pain is the gift. I have learned a lot about the fallacy of possession. I can own all the crap I can buy or I could own myself. 

I have pain in many ways, if I have a headache and the Owner arrives and expects me to be me regardless of suffering. I had my car stolen four years ago and even though my savings account says go buy one the Owner says you have no money. I don’t manage my credit, ask me my score and a blank face appears in confusion, and it is not mine to question or control. The Owner is meticulous in His choice of pains given and yes at times it means I am bleeding on the ground, but He knows I like that. I take great pride in not falling. He on the other hand takes great pride in making me fall.

Long ago I used to say pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain, pain is selfish, and selfish is slave. It is still true!

A year ago I was sitting in a homeless shelter. Today as I stare out at my apartment, I have gratitude for a job that I love even though my co-workers drive me nuts. I am able to serve my Owner in pride. And have no guilt in my life choices.

I have people mock my job. To clarify I house the homeless. I am asked, with disdain in tone, so you house drug addicts? I sure as fuck do! They are called humans. Without violating client rights I will say this - NO ONE KNOWS WHY A PERSON FALLS - and fuck you for judging them.

What does this have to do with being a no-thing? Oh the bullshit I take for this. I can't go get a message, the scars would shock people. I wear no wending band, yet identify as committed. I claim no title, yet the world wishes to classify me. The best part is my confidence is so strong I annoy people with just my presence!

Did I design the road I wound up on? Yep, G-d got jokes and lessons we don't usually perceive until the lesson is learned. My life is not fluffy unicorns and constant admiration. I am challenged every day in every way. Yet here I stand. The perfect trifecta. 

When one ignores one inner self you are cut off from one’s purpose. Purpose is a word that transforms with time and evolves with the truth. Once upon a time, you heard me scream from the roof tops “I am a slave hear me roar”. Now one hears me whisper “I am all of the above and none of the above”.

Call me what you will, I call myself. Being above myself means seeing deeper than a title and embracing a truth that is my unique purpose. I cannot define this for you, as it is mine alone. I cannot tell you how to be me, as that is mine alone. I cannot tell you your truth, as that is mine alone. What I can tell you is that I am happy, the form of happiness that is more eclectic than rigid. 

As I grow up and out, my dynamic evolves truer and purer. Pushing the world out I have enveloped my world to hold my purpose. Angst is out of here! In this last week I have accomplished a desire that has been bubbling for years. I found myself electrified with energy and pride. What did I do, honest none of your dam business! I will say this; the Owner is happy and I am alive. I broke a barrier, and in that, a foundation that had fallen has begun to rebuild.

Am I still wondering in my website is worth my time? Yep. Do I love my life in service? Yep. Do I live my purpose? Yep!

Often we face feelings. Today I am grateful to say me and my biological father have reconnected and it is his birthday! I am going to call him and just shock the crap out of him.

Yet, I am struggling to feel that this website is worth my time.

Long ago my dad, resting in peace, taught me that he could not hold my hand before G-d. This I always knew and still treasure. It took several experiences to know that this applies to relationships of all forms. Your mate may support you, nurture you, and treasure you; however, they can’t do all the work because it just does not work. Have you ever been guilty of expecting your top to make you a great bottom? Seriously be honest!

I have in multiple ways and multiple times. In two days I have been ‘sober’ for 25 months. It is only in these twenty-five months that I truly began the journey of understanding my Master, be it my love, is not responsible for my happiness and service. Before anyone even tries the bullshit that they never - fill in the blank - have you even seen social media! I need my top to do and fill in the endless blank because on almost all forums if the relationship fails the top is an asshole or bitch who did not do enough, did not collar quick enough, and seriously this list is never-ending.

This brings me back to being a child holding my dad’s hand as he taught me to love and speak only truth but he never made any mistake in teaching that I stand alone before G-d which did not mean judgment or a set of wings but that I stand alone and only when I can do that am I strong and capable. How the gap of some thirty-odd years occurred before I realized that was a lesson in life and not restricted to church walls when my heart finally came alive.

I am not collared, I have no slave contract, and wish for no marriage license. I have my promise, my words, and deeds, that I will always stand alone in strength and serve. As I have mentioned on multiple occasions we are responsible for our choices; however, understanding the choices we make is key.

#shalom #love #sobriety #knowing #relationships

  Life and Live – One Letter Changes All

What is in a letter? A letter is a sound, and sounds are things with measurable power. It is not a letter versus a letter moment. It is an understanding of how every letter we choose directs our steps. Switch the F to a V and you create action from existence.

We say ‘to have a life worth living’ yet understanding how to live has been an ongoing journey for me over the last four years. Meaning - picture me putting up a tent, I have all the tools, and the understanding, and I get three out of four sides erect then struggle to get the last pole secure and staked down. Well, I found the trick and staked my tent.

Defining purpose is easy, yet living it is a challenge faced every moment, every day, and in every way. My purpose in life is to live as myself, i.e. the Owners property. Sounds dreamy and downright Greyhound; however, I am not she is and she is not me. She is an example of a type, I am an example of another type. I do not live on camera, the Owner does not share their ownership with the world, I pay my bills and work 9 to 5. Before anyone takes negative connotations from those statements do not. Indeed, her life is not easy, my life is not simple. Our lives are sublime, that is our connection. 

Finding sexual truth, satisfaction, and passion is what I seek. When I step out into the world, life, I act in accordance with my wants, live, and proceed to choose how my day forms and feels. My co-workers are clueless when it comes to my at-home activities, people confuse my living on my own to mean I live alone, and worst of all I have family who will never accept what I am. The best part is this – my co-workers are not supposed to know, I am never alone, and blood means you are biological not family. From nothing, I became something, because I found my soul and set it free. I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought and cared about what I thought.

On a final note, I did not get this from a self-help book, I do not know this because I am a social worker with a high level of training, I know this because I sought out myself and asked G-d how my purpose and life are to intertwine. Once I put those two together I became me, and I still become me more and more every day. Now I live life!

#kabbalah #hebrew #jewishmystic #torah #life #live #love #learn

Life is full of positive and negative. This last week has been a major headache, literally. Not sick, not avoiding life, and certainly misery compounded not seeing the Owner. 

When I freak out, my back turns bolder, my shoulders jump upwards and somehow my body collapses before my mind can process it. At first, I thought it was due to work, which technically has truth, yet the reality is when work issues occurred my mind went back to the past and slapped my future. Last time at work when I had an issue it led down a road I don’t wish to remember. Apparently, my subconscious did.

To say the fall within my relationship did not scar us both is untrue. It can cripple my mind when something makes me feel the past is repeating. My conscious is like ‘bitch who cares what a petty co-worker thinks your boss loves ya.’ my subconscious is ‘this will upset the Owner.’  Then my back battles it out. After crying my eyes out, with the Owner’s guidance, I realized what is hurting.

I have my wings to fly, I have grown, I have evolved, and I have become a better person; however, that does not mean my past erased. I can say the cheesy I must stay strong but what I must do is remember my past and be unafraid. It is not easy. 

Life is full of positive and negative. This last week has been a major headache, literally. Not sick, not avoiding life, and certainly misery compounded not seeing the Owner. 

When I freak out, my back turns bolder, my shoulders jump upwards and somehow my body collapses before my mind can process it. At first, I thought it was due to work, which technically has truth, yet the reality is when work issues occurred my mind went back to the past and slapped my future. Last time at work when I had an issue it led down a road I don’t wish to remember. Apparently, my subconscious did.

To say the fall within my relationship did not scar us both is untrue. It can cripple my mind when something makes me feel the past is repeating. My conscious is like ‘bitch who cares what a petty co-worker thinks your boss loves ya.’ my subconscious is ‘this will upset the Owner.’  Then my back battles it out. After crying my eyes out, with the Owner’s guidance, I realized what is hurting.

I have my wings to fly, I have grown, I have evolved, and I have become a better person; however, that does not mean my past erased. I can say the cheesy I must stay strong but what I must do is remember my past and be unafraid. It is not easy. 

Adoration and Degradation appear to be polar opposites, yet I challenge all to see the equity within.

Adoration is deep love and respect, worship and is synonymous with:

Devotion

Fondness

Warmth

Affection

Admiration

Regard

Awe

Reverence

Adulation

Homage

Exaltation

Exalting

Extolment

Degradation is a process of being degraded and is synonymous with:

Humiliation

Shame

Abasement

Mortification

Indignity

Ignominy

Demeaning

Debasement

Cheapening

Devaluing

Discrediting

Breakdown

As much as these two seem an out-of-the-ark pairing these two accolades bring to power. When combined these two become one, a true bond, a true dynamic, and a true opening occur. If you take the Adoration this is how I love the Owner; if you take the Degradation this is how I serve the Owner. As much as you just thought the last sentence would say the Owner does this you see that this circle is within me.

Friday the 13th is the best day ever!

The circle of love is a cycle you can’t name with an acronym, you can’t use it to identify a group, religion, social cast, or anything we can put our physical hands upon. Most of all love does not last when you do not know what love is.

I can look back at my old writings, blogs, and posts and laugh in recognition that I was not as mature as I am now. I have gripped love and choked life right out of it because love was not the force but fear driving the dedication. I feared being alone, being lost, and having no purpose. I knew I cared, and I knew I wanted to be me, yet I found myself in the hamster circle of S&M nameology, religion, and life all while fucking myself over and blaming someone else. 

We have all struggled with a hurt that has hardened into hate. The wrong relationship, the bad parent, the real issue – The Face in The Mirror. I hated that bitch. She never finished what she started and she fucked everything up once she got her way. As I have evolved these last four years I spent two running on that wheel and two learning how to break the bars and build a bridge.

Love is a force, pure energy, that when true shatters barriers and hands you the tools of change. This last week I was working doubles and I missed the Owner. Once upon a time, it was fear if I worked extra hours and called myself a bad person. Now I choose when I work to make extra funds and know in my heart that by taking care of myself I am taking care of the Owner. The anxiety that seemed to hold me is now in my hands and I hold it.

Love is power, positive or negative, it is our choice what it forms. As I have loved myself and learned what true love is the gifts are ones no price can be placed upon.

#loveis #samiam #mystic #sexisgood #69 #beeyourself #fridaythe13th #witchesrule

 Whatever makes you happy, whatever you want, is what it lives by. Two words unweighted by fractal creation. With dreams rooted in the past breaking previous constructs, it aspires to anew. Wholeness of singularity is not a proper topic, yet here I am. Indeed, I live alone, physically speaking, and by god, I pay my own bills. In infancy, as many do, so we are taught commitment between two means a home that can only be happy if both reside their full time.

Well…I broke that box and it is a great feeling to be grateful for exactly what I have. You may call me a booty call or bitch on the side and I will smile and your inability to escape the box, yet I will not reform to your ways over mine. The best feeling, I have in this world is when that door opens and He walks in. With a workday done, His exhaustion is seen, but mine is not. I am dressed and ready. Like a perfectly tuned engine ready to calibrate to the driver I await His word. 

Somedays it is simply a blow job with quiet passion, tamed to tune into Him. On other days heat swings both ways and it is a wonderous fire. Another breaking bad moment in this parallel life is that the expectations are to have no expectations, for me that is. I know to be dressed and ready, what comes next, I never know. It’s fun and crazy like you get on the ride but the rollercoaster has loops you never see. Hell, if I knew what was coming, I would get bored and that is the truth.

Unadulterated, unconscious to itself, and charged with purpose; the hive begins to take shape. It is birthed desire. Taking form to feed something from nothing. A hive mind is rich in hidden honeycombs of truth when set free. #SAMIAM #sadistupper #hivemind #savethebees