Conflict: clash of contradictory feelings, a serious disagreement within oneself.
It is funny when we say, write, or hear this word, in pure instinct our body armors up for the defense and the sword is drawn. Yet what is this said armor and exactly what sword do you wield? Well I can not answer this for you; yet, I feel driven to dismay some of my own thoughts and feelings to those who grant me the gift of seeing my words.
I can even read what I write and wonder if I make this life look easy, complex, or worse, too extreme! I see where I play down or safely script words in hopes not to send you screaming away from service. And before I get myself ramped in word ramble this is my armor - I can adjust to anyone's personality and blend in or make you wish you could rip your own skin off. My armor shine is if you call me on it I could easily rebuff that is what a Sagittarius does.
My sword is diabolical at best - it can transform to exactly what I need at any given moment. Do I dare make the pun and remind you a pen is mightier than the sword! I spent my life watching people use words to manipulate or master any given situation while simultaneously studying the fine art of bullshit backsteps. Take this with my armor and I can tell you I have no blame for what I say and I was raised that way.
Let’s get ready to RUMBLE! How the fuck do I go from one extreme to another? The sad answer is I did not have the courage to be anything else. I need to be tough, show no weakness, and never let them see you cry. I would love to blame someone other than myself for this behavior, and trust me the forty years I did you could have never convinced me otherwise. I even had the perfect explanation to defend my struggle with addiction - dam parents DNA is a bitch.
SO…was it a flash of lightning that electrified the light to shine and bam I just knew everything and everything got all better by the time I woke the next day? Oh fuck no, if you are a fan here you all remember the Four Horseman of the Slave Apocalypse. Even after writing that I realized what I had jested on paper was what was not only happening but going to rip me apart for the next two years. You ever see Stranger than Fiction because that shit happened! Was it Mars in retrograde or did my Tarot cards just not play out? Again, it was all me and it was ugly.
This means everything is perfect now right, I mean six years of growing should mean that I am all better? NO! How do I know that? When you start balling your eyes out reading an opening quote of a book to feel the inner child reach out and give you a hug you know you are forever healing. I do need to own up to some shit. Good old social media memories - I posted on BDSMLR long ao a snippy comment towards Brutal Master and Greyhound ”Well if I had a 24/7 camera crew and no job I could do that too.” I remember when I wrote I was writing in my armor and jesting with my sword how simple her life is and how unchallenged she is. When I remembered what I had posted a year or so later I felt shame and straight stupid for mocking her as a fellow slave with a perfectly scripted apology once again posted - and now I see what I mocked was myself and how I always created and still can create a reason to ‘not do’ something.
As Brene Brown would say “write what you need to read”! Ah how these words shattered my spine and even now I am staring at them with her book in hand I can tear up knowing I do not have all the answers to life's greatest challenges. I feel strongly that our culture of BDSM has been downgraded to sex shows and techno music. I wonder who the brave soul was that said I practice BDSM first and what exactly they meant when they said it. I remember being eighteen (1996) and finding ALT.com and being amazed it had a name while at the same time reading profiles and judging every person's profile I read. Yep, I can be a judgy little cunt.
What truly changed my outlook and provided my charity in life is….wait for it…Jewish Kabbalah! You and I both could laugh for hours how understanding God changed my life. Shall we compare this to a revelation, a spiritual awakening, oh I know Hallelujah…NO! It is more like blowing up a building, taping it off to be an empty hole for a few years, and slowly getting a permit to rebuild with the most obnoxious permit inspector you have ever met. Yes I just call God obnoxious and I mean it. Go figure the creator of the universe is a control freak, who would have thunk!!!
This realization created the thought bubble that my involvement in the BDSM community is powerful. I co-create with you. This also translates to being 100% genuine and authentic. This is the challenge I face, every moment and every day. As Pink would lament ‘It hurts to be human” and this shield is my greatest challenge to balance. My human wants to paint a picture you enjoy looking upon, and my inner child wants to flip the world off. Alas, my work is to sit with the rumble, the differences, the dynamics of diversity in BDSM without dismissing the connection we all carry! The one uniting truth in our world is finding psychological safety to seek out our deepest desires and share our dreams free from fear.
My first book is aptly titled No Limits; however, as I stared at the poster board and the white seemed to blind me with the word Limitless and it took hold. Limitless is the title of my second book I am currently writing. This feat has begun slowly as I had to come down from the first book high to see that even though I have gained much knowledge, wisdom is still a vessel forming. Just as thirteen years ago Brene Brown defined shame for me, she inspires me to go deeper and Dare to Lead. In that I find myself again learning how to be a true member of my community and finding value in all the various forms we come in! Limitless is a step above no-limits and well I need to step up.
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