eved

How does one confront issues head on, when what is yet to come is unknown? Maybe I should seek the headless horseman!? Now maybe that's not such a bad idea…..The rider of the 1800’s had a purpose, and he carried it out so well we still get immersed in the myth. 

My best moments in life were not planned, but unknown. I always felt like I was the other guy on the horse praying to keep my head. However as I have harnessed my purpose, I have seemed to chop my own head off, and it no longer seems to impede my ability to be me.

Recently the Owner and I have had an evolution of growth. I understand deeper what it means for me to be me, and He to be He. See we don’t do the intricate plan out a night crap and write contracts - seriously too much effort for both of us! He expects to be whoever He is in that moment and for me to embrace and treasure what is before me. 

As simple as this is when my head blocked my purpose the headless horseman taught me to just get out of my own way and ride free. On that note, time for some head!!!

It is my birthday weekend, and 47 holds much to learn ahead. I find myself pondering words and their power. As a slave i.e. #eved , it is easy for one to think I follow orders, obey, and that my actions are some thoughtless robotic response. Alas, one would be mistaken. Everything I do, and yes I mean work, family, friends, and purpose are one, these pieces are meticulously completed and done #FOR my Owner. 

The Owner did not arrive with a contract and neither did I. An example is the season of multiple celebrations ahead and the pressure they add to daily life. When I plan my day out, it is simple, I trust my energy - think like myself, a slave to my Owner - and I rock my world. I come home and instead of pressuring the Owner to have all the answers, I remember all His words and make choices #FOR my service to always be top priority. My gain is I am centered and joyful to serve after a ten hour day when He walks in the door. And my choices create a peaceful world in all aspects.

I do not do anything from obligation or feeling it is a need to do, what yucky reasons. I live #FOR my purpose and the Owner is the center of my life. The elevation and fulfillment in service only came when I understood this. On one side I am a mindless object in constant worship, on the other side I am a social work rock star, mom, grandma, and sister - my balance comes from the fact that my actions are #FOR my purpose alone.

 Who reading this has ever watched Southpark? If yes you know Carmon, the foul mouth little fucker whose mom launched World War 3 by trying to stop what she viewed as the corruption of her child; yet the war was only stopped when Carmon used the very thing she hated - his cursing, cussing, foul, rage filled mouth to not only put the war to end but his mom in check.

We can love so intensely we can destroy the very thing we try to protect. So yes, I am a foul-mouthed little fucker who can use fuck four ways of sideways with a smile and a college degree and win the fucking war. Yet I must balance this because my gear can flip to rage. This lyric 'You are what you love, not who loves you, in a world full of the word yes, I'm here to scream is rocked by Fall Out Boy - and what a powerful statement.

I love my Owner in the purest form, and everything I do either negatively or positively attaches to Him. So yes, I may scream but I am working on keeping my screams to purposeful needs and my love on Owner. 

Oh, how the winds of change can burn…The Owner is kind enough to point out that in October I become introspective on a yearly cycle. He is not wrong! I am made this way and always have been. When the fall comes, I look within deeply. If you keep up with my weekly roundup you know I have been processing pretty intense feelings of what comes across as loneliness. For my Owner who deals with it in person it's like stepping on Legos in the dark. I do not jest at this; I say this in a shameful truth. 

Just this week while I was reeling from my personal storm, my work world got flipped upside down and this past Friday I dam near took the head of my site to the union to bury the bitch for bluntly nothing much, but I can make mountains move when I want. When I saw this wave that I was creating the whole universe warned me to paddle back to shore and sit the fuck down. I then sat and cried my eyes out realizing I was mad over something I never expressed I thought of, needed, dreamed of, or honestly don’t know if I want. 

The buried deep below answer is not a want, not Him, not work, not anything outside of me. It's a truth that I have no fear of death in this world, I will rock it in the stars and live forever, yet living happily in this world is an unknown terrifying well and one I am afraid to drown in. I stepped back and saw the big picture, I was enabling a tidal wave of destruction to be created, one I would have survived - I always do - but I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE. I don’t want to win a petty fight; I don’t want to create a perfect storm anymore in life. I want to sea the world and enjoy the light.

So yep, had to admit to Owner that I stepped out of line towards Him (no I will not tell you are business, but I poked the bear and not in a good way). And not with an I'm sorry and background defense in the brain as He speaks but a silence of giving Him, His proper respect. Now I know and see that every Fall I like to see what is left standing, and now I understand I need to stop creating a storm to test my walls. I love my life; I love serving it is not ‘my purpose’ it is ME 100%. 

So yes, I can miss people, I can wish at times He would not leave, yet I do not wish a change in our lives. I will never hurt my family. How am I gonna do this, I am actually going to start talking more to my Owner and not once I let my 2 go to a 10, when my 1 gets alerted I need to ring the bell and seek the Owners hand. I must keep myself steady to balance my Man and that almost got off balance. For once the storm halted and the waves broke before damage took the shoreline. 

Like I said this is my real life, I learn every day, and this time it is all on me. Though I thought so much it was outside of me it was my shadow that was speaking, and I did not want to hear. I have something to work on as I turn 47 shortly and I take this not as a challenge, but a blessing so next October I can see the leaves fall and not feel the urge to start a wildfire.

All of the above, this is option D on that standardized test back in our school days. So how come as we grew up we forgot this option and think only A, B, or C is the way to go? 

Now you may wonder what the fuck I am even asking you, but seriously I sat with a client yesterday and as they listed their ‘only’ options, my brain was like option D - all of the above! One can be more than one thing and we overlook this fact every day.

I have spent many words explaining how putting ourselves in a sexual compartment on a shelf is a dangerous act and a disservice. I am an all of the above little creature crawling the Earth and I am embracing its beauty. An example is recently I addressed the truth that my life at times can be hard and when I have a migraine for a fucking month, and no one takes care of me I get moody as hell and tell the Master to stay the fuck away. When I give all day at work to my caseload and no one rubs my back, I can envy the life of a wife. When I miss my kids being kids and remember they are grown and gone I wish I still was raising my grandkids.

See the learning here is instead of going ‘no I can’t think any of that it makes me a bad, ungrateful, and a selfish slave’….I go ‘I can feel this way and still love my life while telling my Master to stay clear of the negative energy floating in my realm.’ I am not a bad person for wanting His time and I am trying to figure out how to handle this negative energy. I say negative because it is taking away from my joy.  If you think a sister is the solve, ask my opinion of some bitch in my house and you will find that it is not on the answer sheet. Or maybe just re-read that sentence and you can get the drift.

As I figure out what I am figuring out in service and sacrifice I encourage you to select all of the above in life and live in all your facets and faults while refusing to fall!

Yom Kippur is so important in Judaism the entire country of Israel is at home (except the IDF!). Viewed as the most sacred day I can promise nobody is writing on their sex blog, yet in my Israel (my heart and soul) I am because of that very reason.

I recently wrote a rather powerful four part blog entitled ‘Nailed It’ to address the reality that being me is a rough, brilliant, and bold road for not only myself but the Owner as well. Alas, we do not fit in - and for this I thank G-d. 

Love in action is the admittance, acceptance, and sheer will of continuance in my path. He holds the same truth, you just don’t hear from Him as I do. Let’s just say I speak for the trees 😂. To disguise our service in a world filled with silent wonder and spoken hate is a challenge we both have accepted. I will never hide! Nor does He!

So today, on this Holy of Holy days, Love. And I mean truly love your different neighbor, your obnoxious coworker, and even your hateful family. See past you and how you are not alone in this world even though you can feel it in force. Be you and be bold!!!

Happy Birthday Dinah! The Twin of her brother Zevulan (Jacob and Leahs last set of kids born) and little mention in verse is made of her but a woman who carries a piece of me in scripture. She got raped, yep that’s why we heard of her. We are taught for not listening we get raped! Thank goodness I grew up and figured out that is bullshit and misspoke scripture. Rape is an act done by man not by the powers above. Dinah goes on to be the grandma of Joesphs kids born in Egypt, kinda important historical fact. 

Like Dinah, most do not know me. They read some words and either feel me or judge me. To all those who have survived being crucified by MAN I see you and feel you. We are survivors not victims!!! Though our stories are perverted in human tales we know our truth and we did not deserve it.

 Happy Hebrew New Year! If the two calendars confuse you, I understand, but using only the Sun over only the Moon confuses me and this is my website, so yeah. 

I have crossed the bridge into another great year of wisdom and understanding. As so many struggle to see the beauty, I see so clearly nothing bugs me. I crossed the finish line, and I have my Owner which is a lifelong dream in real life. I do not know what will come this year and when Yom Kippur awakens this year I do not ask above for gifts and freedom from pain, I ask to see my purpose when I can’t understand what is before me. What I know after six years of life altering amazement is being me, fully me, has created a life I never knew could exist and that will never be taken away by me ever again.

To all who are kind enough to click my way…I value you, I appreciate you taking time to read my words, and I hope you truly find your happiness and harness your sexuality as the great gift it is!

On this day I am somewhere in the Pacific Ocean having a whale of a good time! The fun part of this is I am afraid of boat docks, water, boats, drowning in the ocean, and leaving solid ground in general - So exactly I took myself whale watching so a Humpback could high five my ass into another realm. I challenge myself to live in every way and that includes the panic attack of boarding a boat.

The miracles of everyday life keep coming, the baptism of my daughter into Christianity (yes, I am proud), and my other baby finding her trans way in a sea full of lions is epic. Enjoying my work that allows me to be a holder of pain for many as they find their way in this world is a gift I treasure. I am starting to be capable of reading Hebrew, which when you teach yourself another language for a few years, is something to celebrate. I returned to my birth name which is beyond words of how I feel again. I have a passport because I want one and I will see Amsterdam and Israel one day.  

I resolve to stop only self-doubt! #eved #blowjobblog #sadistsupper #dynamics #taboo #love #sexualfreedom